1/4 of second series--- Stepping into a not -so- peaceful practice.

Within the few years of commitment with the Ashtanga Primary, i would be so eager to want to do the Secondary... all so attracted by the fanciful poses.
Now, when its in my hands, i am rather approaching it very cautiously.

James started bring me into some second series poses, i was all excited about the practice. What i did not realized before was the up- roaring emotional effect just over few months of practice.

Besides the deep extension and flexion of the spine, or the exploration of full range motion of the joints--- there was this commotion stirring up inside me, when i couldn't really grasp it well.

So finally, one day i injured myself, and i totally back- off from the intensity-- and retreat back to modified Primary practice for couple of months. During this "recovery" time, i was aware of the changes internally--- more toned down than before, more at ease.

As when i felt more emotionally ready, i returned back to the second series under James recently.
I'm sure many practitioners too experience the over-whelming and up- heaving emotions surges during their early stage the secondary. In especially all those deep backbends and extreme chest opening positions-- many uncomfortable things within are happening in that 5 breaths.

What i personally experience as i started the second series ( i didn't go that far, probably just a quarter of the whole), images attached with not- so- nice feeling show up in my head. This didn't happen in the Primary practice--- this reappearing of the past issues happens whenever i pick up second series again.

It is kind of frustrating for me, because i re- enter into episodes that didn't make me feel good--- not in the past and not in the present.
I felt sad or angry once again, for which i thought i'd consciously moved on long time ago.

Sarcastically, these nerve- cleansing effects from the second series was telling me--- how i did not actually get over those emotions, and that i was just carpeting over them.

A re-visit to the practice, i am taking it with more maturity and more willing to allow the process of uncovering my layers of emotions from the past drama. I will not say secondary practice in any one point is comfortable for me now---- its a good time and stage for me to grow.

When not to believe yourself.

As there are time to believe yourself, there are time to disbelieve yourself... 

There comes the time, 

When i live enough with busy people,

I was starting to believe that, 

there's not such a thing as

human. 

We are just vessels in operation, 

to run the the daily routine,

as perfect as possible.

I was walking on the edge of self- conflict-ion;

in any second, falling into my own trap of believe,

that those humanity tales,

are just old folks stories?

Else, why don't i see them on the streets?

Soon, i'm beginning to believe that

good people are coming to an extinction.

This is the time,

the crucial time that i chose not to believe myself.

This is the time, 

i make an extra effort to pull down all

curtains of judgments,

opens all doors and windows of mine.

The time when i felt darkness was engulfing my whole,

when i see that darkness is how the world moves.

I learn not believe myself,

and i noted the stars,

the moon spoke to me, long enough

that the sun appear from the horizon

and broke through the darkness. 

And lives happen once again. 

All i want for X'mas is this and that.

Yesterday morning after my practice, i lay down on my mat for a while reflecting my journey of 2013.

Event after event i recalled-- it's been great actually, for all these while i've been surrounded by good people, really good people who just popped up whenever i thought i met my end--- some are already close to me and surprisingly most appeared as strangers then friend.

They are my angels, their inspirations juice out just by how comfortable they are being themselves.
Along the way in busy days, we can easily get caught into trying to fit into boxes of categorization that people tagged. I do develop a constant awareness to unbox myself--- because i don't want to live my life according to others'.

I just attended a lovely wedding of a friend that i met once during his travel to Singapore, and at his wedding was the second time i met him. Many people asked why did i even go all the way to Hongkong for someone not considered a close friend? 

Upon receiving his invitation, my first reply to myself was " i'll go". Then somehow the mind started to contribute its reasoning and analyzing... which i hesitated for a while.
Why shouldn't i? So, i booked my flight and went. 

I was caught into surprise when questioned, all i knew was that he is one good hearted person who inspired me-- and i appreciated this friendship. And i got into couple of deep conversations with the people there, which was very valuable to me. 

This year i had my fair share of living spontaneously, with those impromptu activities and solo travels. It has been a rich year so far, and i wouldn't just stop right here... more to come!

Just few steps away from X'mas and i have an ocean of wishes, but i'm going to ask Santa for just three drops of it:)

First drop... I wish for my blessings to all the good people around me for they can continue to expand their good vibration to more people.

Second drop... I wish for my blessings to all the difficult people i've met for one day they will meet the one angel that could touch  their heart, just how i'd been touched by some.

Third drop... I wish for my blessings to myself, so i can share my sparkling dust upon the people i meet along the way of the many steps ahead.

Don't, exploit your student.

A second chance to experience Hongkong....
I didn't have good impressions about this city, let alone great. It was the summer, we were mind-jammed with information attending the yoga conference.. out on the street to get back to the hotel was a torture. 

It was so stimulating, too.. and i could suddenly shut down when i got onto bed. and for that one week, i operated like a robot. 

2 years later, i got an opportunity to give myself a second chance to experience this bustling city in winter, with a more open mind of different perspectives. It turns out pretty well till now!

Finally i got my daily dose of practice after shopping through the rainy cold moon day!
And this morning practice ( at a beautiful homely shala at Wan Chai), i felt the sun burning inside me, and i think i was the only one looked pathetically sweaty, even with the least amount of fabric covered.

You never get too wrong meeting another community of yoga folks!

Its so interesting i realized that the first thing i would google on my travel plan, is to search for a Yoga Shala. And then, my accommodation and the rest of the itinerary will fall into place.

So, as i travel and practice in different shalas, not only as a pure student.. sometimes i do observe the teacher relationship with the students in the class. I learnt on a reflective basis.

The focus of the practice from a teacher, has a direct influence on the students. And it reminded me to be very careful not to exploit the students base on my " favoritism" of certain aspect of the practice.
Say, i love back bending posture, though it always scared the sh*it out of me...

For that so many benefits and good feelings, i wanted my students to reap those too ( too because that many working people has got really bad hunch on the back)... And i put my focus more on back bending.

After some period as i mature in the role of teacher, i learn not to tag my opinion on the students;
and rather take each student as a organic individual; provide them with information at the level of practice they are at... so that they can digest--- and then feed them bit by bit.

Its like taking care of a baby, we don't throw them a whole bun and let them handle... they will choke.
We give them small tiny pieces, bit by bit... and slowly when they are strong enough to handle more, we let them be on their own independently.

The sky is clear and the sun is out today,... maybe because i did my practice today!

This is how my yoga practice makes HER worry less:)

Really, no matter what age we are at, mum always got something to worry about.
I would usually briefly note mum about my travel plan--- so the scene of mother hen looking for her missing chick frantically will not happen.

Previous years she would never fail to display her unhappiness for my India travel plan.
" mum, i'll be in India for XX months"
" Oh, you better be very careful of the Indians, the news always report....."

" mum, i'll be going to Bangkok myself"
" Oh, Thailand not very safe, there are riots, the Thai can be quite violent, the news reported yesterday..."

" mum, i'm going malaysia"
" Oh, malaysia politics very unstable, and news reported the malaysian..."

" mum i'll be gone for Bali"
" Ah, indonesia very complicated, why you always go this type of dusty places.."
" Not Jarkata, Bali got lots of fresh air.."

" mum, i'm going diving at XX"
" Is it safe, the water not very safe these days.. are there sharks, there are fishes will bite.."

Yesterday...
" mum, i'm going to HK myself next week, not at home for XX days"
" Ah! eh... you be careful.. Hongkong got a lot of robbery and murdering cases"

" Mum, last night Little India has got riot, so we should not stay in Singapore, its not safe anymore.."

Sometimes, i thought. If i were to be an obedient girl to my parents ( which i'm obviously not), i would have missed out so much fun and life experiences.

So, sometimes... maybe most times, i choose not to listen to my parents. For so much investment they had put into our education, i believed i have the ability to make my own decisions and capability to uphold any responsible of those choices.

Once master Paalu, my teacher said how our role as children will switch as we grow. Which in turn, we are slowly taking over the role of being a parents to our aging parents.

I had been thinking, how should we serve our duty as children--- so that parents can worry less...
i mean, they will worry anyway, but maybe lesser..?

For so many times as my mum has been teasing, objecting and even disgusted by the choices i made--- But, one day, she mentioned a line which gave me a reassurance that i'm not too of a bad kid..

I was in the midst of my practice in the living room...

" I don't have to worry about adeline. I know she can take care of herself."
Because, she was actually the one who witness my practice most of the time at home-- shocked by the amount of sweat i can spill,  keeping quiet with an wide eyes when i fell hard missing my balance.

Her words actually fell on me like sparkling dust from heaven.
Great for me, because the last thing i want to give my parents as a grown up kid-- is not to worry about me. They shouldn't.

For all those "unsafe" activities of mine in her eyes, actually makes her less worry about me!


Independency, its another word for freedom. 
I enjoy the feeling of freedom with self- discipline;
Thus my creativity is alive in such a space.

This, i really have to thank yoga practice for teaching me so much about life. 

Too juicy, maybe?

Take all our actions with courage!

Picking up the choice of following the lineage of Ashtanga practice has never been easy for me physically. But fortunately, the map of the practice has been interesting enough to keep me wanting to explore more & more.

While majority of the Ashtangis come in lengthy, lean and slim bodies ( somehow this type of athlete body are more attracted to such practice)--- i belong to the minority.

I can be, i have to be crudely honest with myself:
I don't have a lengthy body, my parents gave me a shorter version. My thighs are chunky than most Ashtangis out there.

My body is not naturally flexible-- but i do have a soft body... that's because my avoidance of any vigorous exercises when i was a kid-- no chance for the my muscles to tighten.

I never enjoy sweating, until i had my love at first sight with Ashtanga--- sweat gland has become my another best friend.

I started Ashtanga with zero strength; that i would curse and swear where the heaven those inner strength teachers mentioned was about.

Because of my "compressed" body, i struggled in the practice all the time--- i constantly have to find space around my body so i could finally get into those pretzel twisting posture.

Been doing the pull back and jump through umpteenth times, and my toes still fall to the mat. i've stopped blaming my arms for being too short or my bums are just too heavy to lift--- i'll be very patient with myself on this area of practice.

Honestly, in recent years, i started to appreciate the structure of my body--- i am fleshy, and yes i like the way it is.

Quoting from Prem: We need to have Ojas, you know.. the juiciness in our body.
How to identify--- a fleshy bum!

Loving my ojas!

How do you make a blind man see?

How do you make a blind man see?

Sometimes, it just almost automatically, that i want to correct things that doesn't seems correct to me.
When the correction didn't happen the way i expected, i feel frustration. Mostly with myself for not being able to understand the situations within me.

I'd long come to terms that we can neither control the external environment nor the people around us--- i had learn to respect the space each of us are living in and not forcing my suggestions into people's throats.

Whenever i'm fussed up by the disturbances from people, Shirly always reminded me that everyone we meet is there to teach us some lesson we had yet learn.
I could agree to that at some point, but honestly--- i've to admit that there are some lessons i have not got the capacity to learn now, maybe much later.

When i was at my early stage of teaching, i couldn't understand why some students reject the help they asked--- yet the constant complaint about the issue they are facing.

Why can't they see the potential bigger issue if they don't do something about it right now?
Why when they know the solution, why closed both eyes pretending they didn't know about it?
How can they life in fake comforts with so much pain hugging on them?
Why do the choose to have no choice, when there are so many?

Over the years, as i grow in various roles, i realized the importance of widening my perspective.
Every thing that are happening-- is neutral. We have the ability to see it as a positive or negative. And that decision emote how we response.

Everyone told me-- " Ignorance is bliss".
I believed them.

One person crossed my path, told me -- " Ignorance is bliss, till life gets you."
And i grow.

How can we make a blind man see, if he enjoy being blind?
How do we make someone eat, if he refused to open his mouth?

I learn a huge lesson during my recent trip in Bali.
While all the time i thought i was the problem, yes i was the problem.

I do have to comes term with myself-- to accept what i see as sufferings in others, even though i feel its not right. 
Learning to respect that people do enjoy being in darkness, bleeding in injuries, living in denials or letting themselves slide downhill. 

That I'm am still a human with limitations. I have to honor my limitation, or i'll have to prepare for injuries. I respect my space and do whatever i can within my capacity. And finally, free my hands off whatever has to happen.