Back to work: Commitment is a chosen freedom.

After a little more than 2 months break from work schedule that i gave myself, i'm finally all ready to start teaching. Air plane seats are probably most body-destructing, but for the love of traveling.. i tried to manage my way through the stiffness and body aches.

Before i start my first class today at 8am, i planned to get myself a good morning practice. Deliberately when to bed the previous night real early, and i got up by 3.30am--- did my new routine of oil pulling, rolled my mat out and lit a peppermint candle to warm up the space.

4am, i started working through each knot of stiffness around my body ( especially my thighs, post over-shopping syndrome i guess).
Love the feeling of the heat flowing through the fibers, spilling beads of sweats that were glistering on my skin.

By the time when my practice was coming to an end, its dawn at 6am. I fell into a deep rest ( maybe catching up on my sleep hours), my back was aching, my thighs was shaking, and i my head was just too blank to think about anything.

Upon my next deep inhale to slowly bring myself to mobility, one thought passed through my head...

Commitment is a chosen freedom. 

When your practice doesn't "work" for you. Ditch that Blue- print!

A the back of my mind, always reminding myself that we have to keep an open mind when entering into daily practice. Accepting the condition of the body for that particular practice.

 But I do caught myself a few times recently, feeling ridiculed by the tightness that are appearing at the spots that weren’t before! Whenever I reached to a deep- twisted pose (Mariachi D), I couldn’t close one eye about starting to struggles to get hold of the position. 

Then, it came the deep- flexion movement of the spine (Supta kumasana); gotten all amused by the stiffness along my spine.

Those two poses, which I had been spending most effort, time & patience with for the past couple of years; the moment when I felt most independent and comfortable handling them, it seems that I’m losing it soon.  

My gosh!

What is happening to me? Was it because I’ve tire myself out too much… or was it the heavy dive tank I was carrying previously… or was it my sleeping position was bad?

We often step on the yoga mat bringing a blue print along with us; an expectation drawn in our head, for our body to accomplish. Just like giving a child a piece of homework, and wanting them to bingo the correct answer--- else… it’s negative.

I wasn’t frustrated at all, just that it will keep my wondering the whole while, finding that missing piece of reason that could comprehend my questions.

Today after practice, I went up to James about my concerns.

He asked, “ So, what are the additional poses you have been doing these couple of months?  When did you start doing deep- back bends (referring to kapotanasana), and all those strength work?

Whenever there are changes being introduced into our practice, the body changes, and so does everything you’ve been doing before will get affected too. Nothing’s wrong.”

Now I understood. All along I’d been misunderstood that our practice moves only forward, it can be slow like a snail… but it has to move forward. Taking from another perception, it’s more like a wave effect. Whatever we are doing in the present, it does cause an effect on both the past & future.

Like the waves, it pushes up to the shore; withdraw back to the sea, and pushes forward again & again. Re- visiting yet moving ahead.

 In the practice of Ashtanga, we re- visit the same sequence, the same pose again & again--- however, every entry is a whole new experience. Today we may fly through the whole practice; tomorrow we may be dragging hoping to survive.

I used to compare my own practice taking as reference to my previous ones. But come to think about it, don’t even do anything comparison--- not with others not even to yourself.  Comparison creates an expectation, it makes the practice becomes a rehearsed performance.

Dropping all that, I started to see the bigger picture and inviting more flexibility in the mind. 

There aren’t any correct or incorrect answers; there are only connections between cause & effect.  

Once we learn how to see them, we understand.

Repeated mistakes are mistakes. New mistakes are lessons.

As the yoga sutra mentioned sthira suhkam asanam ( steady & at ease in a position).

That's what we has always been working towards to, be at ease. But what's next?

Recently, i didn't feel too much of sukam; rather more discomforts and a whirlpool of emotions stirring inside. Most of the time, i just feel a gush of anger. No, i'm not angry with anything or anyone, the feeling just arises almost caught me at a loss of what was actually happening to me.

Once, my practice came to a point where i was pretty comfortable with; as my physical body was able to manage the practice almost smoothly. Which i almost fell into the area of being too comfortable, or rather, complacent.

My practice got a little bit more intense than before, as more new poses are introduced from the teacher;

which as means that i'm exploring into unfamiliar grounds. The discipline of the series does not allow the practitioner to pick whatever pose that we like to practice on; by having to follow the sequence, i can't avoid difficult situation, but to face it.

More effort, more struggles, more body aches, more falls and more attempts is pushing myself to maximize my boundary. 

Emotions arises, emotions that triggers past memories arises too. I didn't really like it, not too sure when did it creep  back into my mind again. 

Past memories just surface up whenever they like to, so does fear and anger. 

While busy struggling with my physical practices, overcoming myself for the many attempts to continue; the negative emotions are not helping me to feel any better, but worse.

There will be some point that when the recollections showed up, i felt so upset inside, at a loss of how i should handle it. Suddenly, every fibre of my muscles started to fall apart, and i could not muster any strength to move on at all. 

I even almost wanted to give it all up, slumber down on my mat and cry out loud. Phew! I didn't.

Somehow every time i manage to pull my focus back and kept reminding myself to move on. 

Pull back very muscles fibre and be stronger. 

James mentioned " Makes different mistakes.  Don't keep making the same mistakes in a row and expect to get different results!"

We love making same mistakes, and we do get comfortable making the same mistakes, out of fear.

It sounds stupids, but its true. A mistake is a mistake, if we repeat them. A mistake is a lesson if we don't repeat them. 

That's what happened to our past memories; it kept popping up, because i did't handle it the way i should be.

Yoga practices, has the ability to dig into our old accounts of our past deeds. Whether we want to start anew fresh life or not, we can't run away from our unsettled old debts. I don't like it, but i'm not running or avoiding from it. 

I'm willing  to work hard to handle every bad debts that i've accrued.

So, does practicing yoga actually make us more calm? 

Yes, after the crazy hard work of handling thunderstorms within us. 

Then, why work so hard to fight the thunderstorm? I don't know.

What i do know, is that there are so many question inside me, that the material world can't satisfy me.

There are so many wonderful experience i want to be in touch with that i couldn't get it from the outside. I do taste that sweetness of honey after each thunderstorm i've fought with, 

and i want more of it. 

No such thing as ' common sense'

There is no such thing as " common sense". I used to thought there was, but no... there isn't.

From child, i really thought that we have something call ' common sense', as told & taught by our teachers, peers and parents. And if one doesn't react accordingly as being ' common sensible', is consider weird, silly or stupid.

As i grow up, i starts to break free from this ability call ' common sense'. Because, personally, i begin to realized that being ' common sensible' is build upon the creation of others' expectation on us. We have to react according to the expected or so- called politically acceptable behavior of the others, then we are normal. At the same time, this set of expected reaction build walls of fear of being ourselves and different.

We have the 5 senses, of which, each carries a purpose of its existence. However, " common sense' is not a sense of any function, is a creation in the mind of others into us; and we into others. It makes us want to be acceptable socially by living in mind of others, fitting into their set of puzzle, being with the norm.

What's common for one mind, is uncommon for the other. What's normal for one person, is abnormal of the others'. Drop the 'common' and be the 'sense'. So long as our behavior is authentically from us, and making full sense to us; it may be total nonsensical to others.

Who cares? If the others wants to understand it, they'll ask. No worry.

Taking a step back as teacher, a step forward as student

These days has been relaxing, at least mentally. I am very much able to at least pause and take a breather. Sitting in the cafes, staring blanks, opening the packages of thoughts that i'd been shoving them at a corner in my mind, its a kind of bliss. Not too much of any reading though, not till i'd slowly de-clutter my mind.

When previous numbers of months can be busy with classes, bringing most of my focus towards the students, when i still have, but little time for myself. Its time to slowly shift my focus back to my own practice; less teaching more learning. Its always better to take up the role as a student, being able to just absorb and learn whatever life presents to us.

In most times, straddling between tight teaching and practice, for the sake of  schedule flexibility, i had most of my self- practice at home. Whenever i get to slot in 2 hours on the mat for myself--- dawn, noon or dusk. There comes a point i think... i think i've max out my capability at that given condition, i need someone to give me a hand to guide me forward, for further self- exploration.

I visited my teacher, Master Paalu, had some chats. Started to read up some articles, videos and posts by other experienced teachers around the globe. Later, i decided to drop into a humble space, Yoga Shala ( where they offer mysore- style practice) , having visiting teachers traveling in asia and coming to singapore.

I went over for my first session, Nigel Marshall ( who based in Bangkok) was teaching that day. I thought his name rings a bell in my ears; later to realized that i chanced upon his name while searching for a practice space in Bangkok which i'll be in next week; the site stated he'll be away from Bangkok and off traveling to teach, i was a little disappointed. Oh! Here he is in Singapore:)

Adjustments, corrections, new information, new insights---- that's what i need for now. What's can be more interesting, we are all going to flock and meet again in Mysore. How irony, that's life!

The Pandora Box revealed...

 “Shirly once told me that Curiosity killed the cat. You know, sometimes I just can't help it.”

For so many months, every time when the cab drives through Cairnhill and passing by Emerald hill; the group of old houses never fails to catch my attention. I would fix my gazed till the very last glimpse of the exterior of the last house. 

Walls are stained, the pastel colors on those cylindrical window grills are peeling off. Sometimes, I even managed to peep into the blurry glass window--- an old ceiling fan.

Each time, I wondered, “who’s staying inside? How does the interior look like? What is inside? What are the stories behind all these units? …they look kind of cozy. 

Maybe one day I would want to stay here, I chuckled. ”

And you know what?!

After a hasty conversation over a phone, a lady booked an appointment with me. And today, the cab did not drive pass, but dropped me by my eye-candy.  The door front was quite unwelcoming--- huge closed dark-brown door, curtain drawn, the only décor is probably the pathetic little doorbell button.

The neighboring units are in traditional Peranakan , and olden Chinese ( red lanterns) style.  The door must be quite heavy I noticed when my client pull the door opened. 

However uninviting the exterior may appear to be, the interior is filled with warmth. Though it’s really spacious and with little furniture, it has got great vibes with a pure sense of tranquility basing in the house.  Yup, I had a delicious time satisfying my long-time hunger of curiosity.

I like old houses and shop houses--- that withstand through the toughness of time and activities. I said these are houses with characters. That they have got sheaths of history that shines with charisma in their own little way.

" Satisfaction brought it back"

Starbucks of the day: Decaf Venti Latte

Something for us...s dreamers

The human catalysts for dreamers

are the teachers and encouragers  that dreamers

encounter throughout their lives.

So here's a special thanks to all the 

teachers.

~ Kevin Carroll, guest

Starbucks of the day: Venti Americano

Follow your madness

Let go your sadness, give up the fight,

follow your madness and take flight...

take flight.

~ Seal, musician

Starbucks of the day: Short Americano

Keep it moving!

"Everyday is a leap of faith."

~ Lizz Write, musician

Starbucks of the day: Decaf Grande Cuppucino

Who says life's boring?

Imagine we are all the same,

Imagine we all agree about politics, religion and morality.

Imagine we like the same type of music, arts, food and coffee.

Imagine we all look alike. Sound boring?

Differences need not divide us.

Embrace diversity. Dignity is everyone's human right.

~ Bill Brummel, documentary film maker

Starbucks of the day: Grande Caramel Macchiato

Commit with a heart that leads...

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating-

in work, in play, in love.

The act frees you for the tyranny of your internal critic,

from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around

as rational hesitation.

To commit

is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

~ Anne Morrise, cuupa lover from NYC

Starbucks of the day: Grande Skim Latte

You are beautiful, just the way you are

They told you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

What they failed to tell you is that what you  look like isn't important.

What is important is who you are inside and that choices

you are making in your life...

~ Tiana Tozer, paralympic basketball-er