A short note for my students.

Sometimes, i can't even believe it for the thought that suggest of dropping my practice. After few years of practice, the body soreness still hit me very regularly---

Yes, to my dearest students who thought that i'm a wonder woman, i do sweat through stiffness of a morning body, gasping for life in back bends, maybe some days of not able to bend over the sink to wash my face comfortably and rolling over the bed with whole body of aches.

I feel you.

I understand the thought of stretching the hamstrings can send a shiver down your spine. The idea of doing a backbend can sometimes feels like a suicidal.

But, eventually, we still get through the walls of fear and doubts. Somehow, the next breath we took after all those struggles... we felt more alive.

All those imagination of " i'm not going to handle.." was actually non- existence.

For dearest students who just step into the practice, please be patient for progression;
and please be very brave to handle the upcoming issues. 

I'd started out my yoga practice just like you do.

Yoga is anything, but an escape from your problems. Instead, it guide us to lean towards them, and walk through them-- and we become stronger. 

If any of your thought appear like this:
" I want yoga to help my back pain, but i don't want to work my back because its too painful."

Think again if it make sense, because it sounded like this actually:
" I want to wash my muddy shoes, but i don't want to handle the mud."

Just like you, there are times i wanted to drop the challenging practice and choose an easier options. But i never did entertain the thoughts for more than a minute.

The reason is simple to me: If we can't take responsible for our own problems and issues, not only we will suffer, the people around us will get affected too.
Think about your family member, do you want them to worry? The answer is "no" for me. How about you?

Whatever we do, there's ripple effect. And we definitely have the intelligence to make a choice, what type of ripple do you want to create?

I laughed during our time in the class... not because i enjoy watching how much pain you're going through in a forward bend--- because i saw myself through each of you. Its like watching a flashback when i was too falling all over the floor.

Students, don't be afraid of the challenging that will and shall be running towards you--- you are not alone. 
No worries, i'll not make you fall, and i mean it. If you fall over, its part of the plan.

Give yourself one step, one month, one year... at a time. Be patient, and you'll get there:)

The very fact that, we either live with all these self- created problems, which it'll keep growing in years.
Or we start to dig them out and clean it off while its still manageable. 

Either we catch them, or they'll imprison us.
We can't run away, anyway. 

Discriminate.

He who knows how to preserve energy,

lives a fulfilled life of wisdom.

He who knows how to splurge life force,

lives an unfulfilled life of foolish. 

The wise and unwise,

spaced between the crack of

discrimination, viveka. 

Yes, i'm dropping out two months for myself.

I can feel the holiday breeze kissing my cheeks, and i'm outrightly counting down to the day i'm taking myself off from any teaching for at least the next two months.

As much as i love my profession, i've arrived at the stage that i do also yearn very much to be just a student. Just this year, i did experience some points of burnt out, which i really dread it. There'll be months i got so caught up with classes, and struggled to pull myself back to the mat. 

Even if i managed to, i became impatient with my practice and injured myself literally in my own hands. Understanding from the yoga sutra that mentioned in the first chapter how the fluctuation of the thoughts can easily push us off track. 

This year was special, when the profile of my students shifted from physical aliments, to mental and emotional pains. As from them, i slowly discover how the symptoms of persistent physical aliments lead us to the seed--- in most causes, the inability to manage the negative emotions. 

In my case, i'm checking out "depression." 

No matter how much "non- attachment" i've been reading and applying for the past few years; to be honest, i do get affected by some of the students. Or probably i should say i'm not really ready for it, but i'm not giving it up.

As my usual routine was to retreat myself in mysore, back to basic, lots of space for some thought pondering, big sky, simple food, reading, practice and lots of sleep. This year i'm not heading to Mysore, instead to bali for a short break. 

 I'm very happy to get my advanced dive license just few months back, and definitely going to explore the sea or even a few short trips to the beaches is great.

Even if i'm in town, i've promised myself not to touch any teaching class for the two months--- and i'll take the opportunity to do nothing at all, i'm happy with that! 

Some people was concerned about how am i going to survive without income--- no problem,  i'll earn it later.

Money at this point, shouldn't be a hindrance to self- discovery. If i can survive that little before, why can i today? 

As much as i do understand some experienced teachers could constantly straddle between giving and receiving and even striking a balance comfortably; i've not. Still being green, i do swing between burnt out, or wanting give up altogether. 

I have this burning fire in my stomach to learn ( not necessarily yoga related, on anything), to see more and to dive deeper in the ocean of life-- and for that to happened, i need space and time away from the daily routine, out from my comfortable couch and place my both feet on the unbeaten path.

Hola!

Equilibrium on duality.

Duality. We are all living by it.

In the case of being judgmental, too many. Almost automatically, so quickly what the mind tell us, we take it as the true. 

Think again, maybe not.

If we allow space for some questions, the judgmental statement will be shaken, may lost its ground and slide over to the other end. 

That's too a judgment.

Whatever situation that we arrive upon on, both personally or from others, we start to generate a quick self conversation of "good" & " bad".

We associate such words according to our personal experience and understanding; which may be in another case for the others. 

I'm originally has a very indecisive mind. Give me two choices, i can easily categorize as " like" or " don't like", " good" or "bad", " yes" or " no".

Give me more choices, i'll start to fiddle around that many options, and my self judging system will breakdown. And i'll start to ask many questions of elimination and so on... eventually, all options becomes neutral to me. 

We pass judgement everyday, so long there are choices we need to make, we judge. Even buying apples. While some people think dull skin apple is fresher, others says waxed and shiny ones are better.

No matter what, it is the truth at that time; until something else reveals.  

Behind all these haggling, there's one truth. 

Of course for me, i can easily pass judgements as if i'm drinking water. But i always falls on different  sides in different situations. Sometimes i like the morning rain when i don't have to teach any class; sometimes i don't like it when i've to be on the street. 

For this, i realize i'm not judging the rain as bad or good. 

I'm judging my experience at that time, and i'm the experiencer. 

Self- judgement doesn't makes my mood any better, if i allow it to swing to different point-- i fluctuate with it. Its just another form of re assurance, a matter of our insecurity.

By having constant judging, it makes us feel "correct" or " incorrect".
But so what? Why do we need to get affected by it? How much time we have been using to straddle between these two side?

Equilibrium. 

The point when we see things, people and events as it is. There's no positive and negative, not even neutral. Like a lemon is sour, there's nothing much to be picky about its sweetness. 

Learning to see through the layers of sheaths of ourselves, at the same time, we starts to understand the nature of a person. 

Hands off clean of dualities, we stand at the point of equilibrium as the pendulum keeps on swinging on its own. 

Yoga teaching is an easy job? Say it again.

Whoever that conveniently says yoga teaching is a stress-free and easy job, i'll mentally dong your head with my spatula. Sometimes this gets on my nerves...not always,  just sometimes.

The best part was when some make it worst with those few occasions they checking out the rates i'm charging each class and the number of classes i'm teaching, calculated my assumed salary of a yoga teacher.
And thanks for the conclusion with " Wow, you must be very rich with such an easy job!"

The bench mark of being a successful yoga teacher varies.

I'm generally not too concern with how many numbers of students i've taught; i'm more appreciative with how many student i'd actually helped. 

I've been in corporate life, though not too long, long enough for me to realize that's not my cup of tea. Been there, done that. 

Do understand my instant jump into this yoga wagon definitely has swirled me into endless uncertainties & insecurities. If you want to talk about stable income, CPF contribution, bonus & list of corporate enhancement--- i don't have any of them. 

Those yoga posters you see along the street, that glamorous, gracefulness & serenity... don't be silly... that's for advertisement purposes. Go into the studio, you'll see messed up hairdo, trembling muscles, distorted facial & sweaty bodies... not forgetting about the mixture of body smell. 

Yoga teaching, a glamorous job? Think again. 

The glamor probably happens only at the entering into the class & standing in front of the students.

- We ended our work day by mid-day, because we started our day when you're still snoozing in sweet dreams.

- Doing our practice is not a kind of luxurious hobby; its us taking lessons through self-practice. 

-Our private practice is actually a challenge we are lifting to explore our range of emotions actively. And like you, we are still in the process of learning to be a better person in difficult situation. 

- Touching and physical adjustments of the your bodies, with different mode of strength control, uses a lot of our energy. 

- While one side of our brain is generating the right vocabulary of verbal instructions, the other side of our brain is busy accessing and generating methods to help your aliments.

- Whatever words that comes out from our mouth and our head is not on the same time. Usually, we need the mind to be at least two steps ahead of what your ears received. 

- Though we are looking at one direction, but in fact, we have been trained to have a " third" eye implanted at the back of our head. So, whatever you do behind our back, we saw it. 

- All our senses ( except taste) has to operate fully to read you. By the sight of your facial expression, listening to your breathing, smelling your body scent and touching the reaction of your flesh-- we actually rapidly generate a brief report your problems. And quickly follow by approached to rectify them.

- And finally, the sweat on our skin and clothes, are a mixture sweats from you.

Inclusively of the above, i still like what i'm doing. Its never ever relax job, but the fact that i enjoy everything about it.... its worth my time and attention i put into it. 

Getting into the practice of yoga & getting into teaching of yoga--- are two separate matter. 

One who enjoy the practice, may not enjoy the teaching. 

One who wants to teach, has to be dedicated to the practice.  

I don't start teaching only when i'm in the field of yoga. Basically, i like teaching.. if i like the subject well enough. In school days, i've already given the opportunities to explore my skills of teaching---

my time in the music bands over 8 years or even teaching my classmates accounting subject.

Yoga just happened to be one of the subject that i'm intensely curious in, therefore scooping deeper into the subject. 

The magical moment during savasana.

Have you been into the state of that magical moment of stillness during your time in savasana?
This short period will happen only a solid focused practice is done before taking this rest.

When finally i reached the last pose, sweats droplets sliding down to hair ends & body soaking wet... i lay down comfortably flat on the mat.

Trying to catch every breath, as my body soften part by part after each exhalation, my heart beats taking its sweet time to slow down.... i closed my eyes. I was too tired anyway to think about any other stuff, just to allow my thoughts settle on the base of my mind.

I could still hear the clock ticking, the birds chirping repeatedly outside the window...
Soon, those surrounding sounds seems to move further and further away from me;
at the same time, i was moving closer and closer towards myself.
Its a stranger feeling--- i sort of then understand the phrase " moving inwards to yourself"... it felt this way.

Slowly, i was also moving away from the gentle flow of my breathes. It was getting more shallow then before... and finally, it ceased. Everything stops for a while, the emptiness that people had been talking about seems like this. The body and mind felt like hovering few centimeter above the ground. I guess i must have been holding my breath, but i felt no pressure at all... everything weightless.

This moment, happens only for that short while. Nothing had ever made me enter into this state other than a good savasana. The in between slot of awake and sleep.

And suddenly, i took a deep inhale, amazing feeling... that immediately reminded me of the burst of life, the appreciation of being alive, the light of hopes. That one inhalation, pulled me back to reality again.

Words have power, what do you read?

For the past 21 years for who i know myself, reading is never in my activity list... and book is never my friend. But i love hiding in the library, because i enjoy the silence. I used to stroll along bookshelves, gazing past the book spine, reading the title under my breath.

Which ever that caught my attention, i would just slot it out with my index, a quick look at the book cover, and slot it back into position. That's all.

Only recent years, i started to get into a habit of reading--- instead of engaging into too much gossips or useless conversations, i would rather have conversation with good authors. I've quit reading too much newspapers & magazines these days; because they messed up our thoughts and the way we think. The manipulation of the media is too much to handle.

Honestly, newspapers should be a medium for us to know whats happening in the public and around us; not to inject unnecessary anger, anxiety and fear in our mind. Seriously, 80% of the news are magnifying the negatives of other's people life, and people loves reading it--- not knowing that subconsciously we are affected by it.

Even if i do read them, i finished browsing through less than 5 minutes-- just the photos and the headlines.
Every write up has a power to influence our thought, and i want to at least get influence by the right stuff that can improve my life, not degrading of my character.

Books are like friends, we do need to choose them wisely too.
Friends are not just human, books are not just words. They carry ideas & message that has the power to mould us.

We give what we had received. We can either emit messages of empowerment or words of destruction. It depends on what we choose to fill the capacity of knowledge with. I never used to give a second look for those pages filled with words, but i do now.... because they are worth it.

On a side note... i'm not a bookworm.

Besides those yoga related and anatomy books which can be very dry at times, there's some great and inspiring writer i love... here are some of my favorite picks:

All the titles by Mitch Albom;

Alchemist, Like the Flowing River, Warrior of Lights, The Devil & Miss Prym by Paulo Coelho;

Maturity, Love by Osho;

All titles by Robin Sharma.

Currently i'm checking out Awaken The Giant Within by Anthony Robbins :)

Practicing with injuries: An expansion of knowledge.

I’ve always been grateful to the teachers who had introduced the method of Ashtanga Vinyasa method, and those who had been inspiring me to continue in such demanding practice till today.

While having a chit chat with my working partner, Shirly last week--- both of us were pouring out our concerns on our recent physical pains & injuries from the practices. Ironically, instead of shunning away from the practice altogether, we were encouraging each other how we should take a step back and modify our practice accordingly to our physical condition.

While there are 6 series in the Ashtanga Vinyasa collection, I have tasted that Primary and some bites from the Secondary.

The Primary series is a no- escape for anyone is coming into this traditional teaching. It has a name give to this full sequence as “ Yoga Chikitasa”--- means “ Yoga Therapy”.  Bashing off the idea of a slow and sweat-less session commonly seen in today’s yoga studios--- this is a very pro-active style of therapy. With the benefit of thorough physical detoxification, one couldn’t imagine how much bad stuff had been living off inside us for years.

The Primary series don’t just take 10 or 20 sessions, 1 or 2 months to“ complete”. It took me 4 years (since 2009) before i'm allowed to... or a teacher give me the first pose of the Secondary series.

Of course I was delighted, it felt like I’ve “graduated” from the Primary and moving on to the Secondary. The Second series holds a different purpose of the practice. After the body purification process from the Primary, one is then ready to face the next deeper level of purification--- Nadi Shodhana, also know as "Nerve Purification."

This nerve breaking practice can almost give me a mental breakdown. It not only involves in many deep back- bends and twists; it demands for so much strength I couldn’t have imagined.  It sways me between the sense of fear and frustration, and constant testing of my tolerance level to walk out of the room. 

Never a thought I would want to avoid or give up this series—even though I’m at a snail crawling speed. The indescribable nice effect after the practice is invaluable.

While so much chest opening movement are involved, which opens the door of our heart centre--- a very intimate place in each of us, where our emotions stay.

Like lifting the lid of the Pandora box, once the contents in the box are revealed, the fluctuation of the mind is almost unmanageable at times. However, when each layer shows up, I learnt something about myself. 

And so, finally one fine day during my exploration of this passionate series, I injured myself. The physical pain was not as bad as the guilt and self- blame that was happening inside me. It felt as if I’ve disrupted my own practice by not able to move anymore forward.

I couldn’t swallow the pride of having to retrace back to the Primary series. At first, I felt like a downgraded practice.  Still expecting my body to perform the expected level... eventually I came peace with myself and decided to listen to the crying pain of my knee.  

Ok, I’ll go back to the primary and even modify it--- after all, I was the one who landed myself in this situation.

Days ago, I would have carry the thought that our practice can only move forward. After the peaceful pact, I’ve realized that the practice is an expansion of knowledge as a whole learning tank, which I can always revisit what I’ve acquired previously as an assistant to the difficulties I’m facing at the present time.

Shirly gave a very good example (learning from her previous injures)--- it felt like someone had just pushed you down the stairs while you thought you’ve been doing well climbing almost to the top. And back down to the first step again, the frustration is not helpful at all. Being angry or sad will not bring me back to where I fell from--- why not look forward and retrace the steps up again.

This is when the mind will start to look down on the physical, blubbering unconstructive comments--- while the injured physical is still shouting like a child. I’ve learned to create space between both for wisdom to handle what’s appropriate.

And yes, my knee got so much better than I thought, whee!

Just on a side note:)

Life, its a funny game. Sometime i don't know if i'm playing the game, or i'm being played on.
The time when i feel i'm in full control--- i'm playing the game. The time when i'm knocked down--- its playing me.

Through the practice of yoga, it has sort of reveals layers and layers of issues, that i've been stuffing right at the bottom, hide it well so that i don't get to see it-- and it wouldn't affect me. But that's not so much of the case, what i didn't realize, or being sensitive to was that the practice actually makes me, locating those roots and seeds these past issues.

I was scared, very. But i didn't know how to verbalize or rationalize it in proper words. I just felt it churning in inferno inside me.

The good thing about the whole practice is, on the other hand--- i'm also given some tools and knowledge before hand to handle this up coming issues. If i were few years younger, i would have lose my grip and swirl into the mess again.

We down fall bottomlessly-- we don't. There's always a pit somewhere, and when we touch the pit.. the only way is up.

When we reached a stage where nothing make sense anymore, flip the table over. We set the rules, and they play the game.