What is the biggest addiction?

Its close to midnight, and before i packed up for a short getaway; i want to pen down this post for a recent conference i was watching on a video by Shivani Kumari. 


I posted a question on my Facebook status 12 hours ago " What is the biggest addiction?" just curious about the responses i might receive.  Some said " chocolate", " shopping", " air", " stalking Facebook postings"...

Among all those varieties displays of addiction--- in my personal view, the biggest addiction is "addiction" itself. Whatever we are addicted to, doesn't matter. It can be drugs, smoking, desserts, food, games... some are even addicted to anger or being in depression.

Any form of addiction that we have, can control us like a puppet.

In the video i was watching by Shivani, interestingly pointed out that the biggest addiction  today--- is using people's lies to feel good about ourselves. Many times we tend to rely on people's opinions to decide how we should feel.

As praises can be as venomous as criticism--- we tend to get affected by either one of them, isn't it?

Say, if someone said i've a beautiful haircut--- my level of " feeling good" shoot up rocket sky. 
If another person said my haircut is really bad--- my level of " feeling good" from that high, thumped straight down to the ground. 
So, now i'm confused how i should feel, happy or not happy? And i go around as for more opinions.

When does public opinions becomes so important to us?
When we don't know ourselves well enough.

When we don't know ourselves deep enough, we lost ground.
We get shaken by others easily. We copy what other people are doing, we lost our originality of being who we are.

Addiction is not a bad thing, or horrible--- if we know how to pull and release them within our grip. We become slaves to addictions---- if we lost grounding and being led by it.

For instance, i remembered a short discussion with a friend earlier back on an addiction for acceptance socially.

Personally, i never agree to the response as " politically correct answer". Which a friend was telling me that we have to sometimes... or most of the time to response in " politically correct answer"--- in another meaning to me is to be a copy cat, even if you disagree deep down inside. 

Honestly, its either i appreciate with sweet words, or i'll speak my silence with a sweet smile.

The bigger questions in life?

Have you ever have some fleeting moments when you start asking the bigger question in regards to life? I reckon i started asking myself some of the bigger questions when i started to enjoy free time.

When i say free time, its really free.

Chances when i could sit in a cafe, staring blank at the people rushing up and down the street; when everything through my eyes started to slow down to a pause. During this halt, the bigger questions in life started to interest me. Sometimes, i could even sit for an hour, of doing nothing.

When i say bigger questions, i refer to those questions that answers are not found in books, and the level of understanding of the answers vary at different stage of my life, through different mouths.

Why is it essential to take out some time from busy routine for these questions?
At least to me, these questions increases the value of life itself; that makes me appreciate the whole idea of mine and the others'  existence. Discovering the value of each life force beyond price tags.

We do know that not everybody is ready or aware of these bigger questions. Its all about timing, the time when we are open to schedule in free time of " just doing nothing", the questions will flow in naturally. 

Are you.... a control freak?

This morning practice with James was quite a humorous one--- i couldn't stop laughing with the rest while we still try to keep our practice going.

There was this lady, who was trying to jump up to a handstand; ideally followed by fall over to a backbend. 

After her many many tries, she still couldn't make herself fall over to the other side. Sulking, she asked James why she couldn't tip over to other side. 

James said, " Just bring your feet to the other side, just fall over. You're controlling to get the balance too much. "

"Shouldn't  falling be much easier than to control. You have way too good control ?!" 

While i heard the other lady said jokingly, " Maybe she's a control freak..?"

James responded as he was pointing to himself,  " I... I don't think there is just one person in this room is a control freaks.!" 

" We all just like to control, as much as we can, aren't we?"

It was an interesting point which i never realized. Because of our fear of falling, the anxiety about the unknown result, we tend to use all our might to control the situation ( by control ourselves and other's too).... to hold on to the zone of expectation. 

I totally understand her situation of not able to tip over to a fall. It all just very mental. 

For so many times when i tried to jump and fall back, always... always when i reached to a point of total balance, i would not want to explore the falling down zone.

Till one day, i got so frustrated with me being such as coward cat, and talked to my brain before i went for my next try " what's the big deal, just fall and roll all over... whatever!" 

The time when i decided to stop playing the role of a control freak, i let go of the rein, and fell l over...

I did fall with a loud "thump!"... but not as tragic as i had always imagine. 

Many times, we find ourselves wanting to take control of our or even others' life too much. And this is taking a huge toll of ourselves--- chunking out pieces and pieces of peace each time.

Be brave enough to loosen the grip, and feel the lightness of everything.

Let it happen, let it be. The way it is. 

"What is will always be.
What is not, never was and never will be."

~ Bhagavad Geeta

What a Beautiful Moon-day!

Whether its full or crescent, moon has never fail to keep me staring at it.

When i was still a young girl, i was amused by how i can spot the moon no matter where i go.
I would climb around in the car with my sisters, from window to window while my father was driving us home, checking out if the moon was following us home.
" Ehhh... the moon is going to Tampines with us..!"

Once, during the mid- autumn festival, after reading the legend about Jade Rabbit living in the moon with Chang Er; we would stay up till late, grab the best binoculars at home, and super zoomed into the moon. Being silly, we convinced one another that there was indeed a rabbit in the moon.

Till today, while walking on the street, i would unknowingly stare at the moon. Or even just stop walking, stand on the spot, and take some time to stare at the moon--- how comforting!

I love how a dark night would become exceptional mesmerizing when the moonlight shines on the surface of the sea. What a view!

Because of the sun, we see the moon. 
Behind the  flowing beauty of the moon, is the energy given by the sun. 
Similarly, the reflection of our beauty, is keeping the burning core inside us. Agni. 

Should we practice Ashtanga when we're unwell? I did.

Should we practice if we feel unwell?
Hmmm... by right, we should stay in bed and take rest. But i went to the opposite.

I was having a bad cold for two nights, and finally a slight fever last night. While i did manage to get some hours of peaceful rest, until my nasal was totally blocked & felt the body heat increases--- i woke up at 5am.

Still considering whether if i should pack up for practice, which i did make it to the studio in the end ( since i could not get back to rest). I spend almost 30 minutes in the bathroom on Jala & Sutra Neti to clear the horrible blockage. Thumbs up! It works!

Though some teachers advised to avoid ashtanga practice during fever time, due that the practice is heating; i'm glad i actually did it. I guessed i'd poured out a pool of sweat more than usual---- but the heavy perspiration did help to relieve the heaviness in my head and released the heat from my body.

To prevent myself from dehydration & building up of the heat---- i gulped down watermelon & coconut water immediately; and followed by a cold morning shower to bring down my body temperature.

So, did i feel better? Gladly i did:)

Teacher, don't be lazy leh!

Today, before the start of practice, we were having a quick discussion on my plan to stop the class for the year. When i mentioned that i may take an early break, no necessarily going for a long vacation this year; but just taking a breather for myself--- i thought the they will be happy about the early break. ( you know, like schools student yearn for holiday)

I was surprisingly wrong when someone voiced out, " Teacher, don't be lazy leh, you got to continue teaching the class.!" 

I laughed. What?! Did i just hear that? 

This group of iron ladies came together randomly with varieties:

Frozen shoulders... knees issues... muscles growth imbalance...scoliosis... super stiff spine..

One thing that i never heard from them was: a word of discouragement. They just keep trying, giving time and space for themselves and their body to change.

Good things are happening, i can see that as touch and adjust each of them. 

It did take a long time ( not 1 or 2... at least 3 years) for the body to response to the practice, slowly but surely.  

It was a great thing that i did learn from them for not disabling themselves from the practice. 

Ironically, while many students takes the role of receiving, and the teacher takes the role of giving---- think again, as a teacher in a practice room--- i am a student in front of so many teachers.

Every body, is a case study for me. Are opportunities for me to learn more, to increase my knowledge-- that i may not get it that personally from books. So, who's the teacher now?

They are all working people, with work and family. At least, the minimum of once a week commitment is all we can give ourselves. Its good enough!

It take just 4% of our time daily for an hour of practice, doesn't sound too much of an investment isn't it?

 Someone told me the need to get themselves more flexible first before they are ready to attend yoga practice... ... ... ( not knowing what to say). How do we learn how to walk? By walking itself!

Can you wait the wait?

Waves of thoughts came crashing into me recently--- just random. Somehow, the current has been knocking at me stronger each time.

I was flipping the morning newspapers, nothing interesting; kind of boring--- the daily dosage of fear injection into the readers. Usually i'm just browsing the photos and headlines. One of the hot discussions in town i read this morning was checking out the new iPhone 5s. 

What? Is that what we are concern about right now? 

Recently, a few events happened co- currently---

Shirly, my working partner, was talking to me about not delaying a thought or a plan. Which she knows me well enough how indecisive i can be. 

I got to know a few friends & students who had just lost their loved ones. Every time i heard that, there would be a whisper in my ear, " That's life. Just accept it that endings do exist. The point is, you do not know where is the exit. You do not know where is yours, and where's others."

One of the most heart breaking news, which shakes me up quite a bit was about this girl, i never met---

I remembered when i was still studying ( maybe 6 years ago), my school friend mentioned to be about this girl she knew, who got diagnosed with bone cancer. The fact that this girl was much younger than i am, who should be schooling & playing like many of us do--- was fighting her own battle in the hospital. 

After 6 years, yesterday, my friend told me that this girl i never met, had ended her day on earth and proceed on. She was 22. 

I wasn't upset or grieving, but i did had a weird feeling. A feeling of blank- ness. 

I had a recollection, when i was 22, how did i live my life? 

Is that all? A girl i've heard of so much, never met, who had influenced me personally... gone. 

Isn't it time that i should do something instead of just being busy blindly?

I woke up this morning, still pondering on what happened the previous night. Still.

For the first three years when i started my yoga teaching, i could say that i totally push away most invitations & gatherings. It was the time, i wanted to work hard and carved out a path of my own. I practiced, teach classes, attended courses, travel out for more focus practice--- if i've a bit more time, i'll read, talked to my teacher, take rest, cook & eat. I was not even too willing to squeeze out any free time for any social events. Yes, even birthdays, i'm happy to have a simple one with my family. ( But i'm glad my close friends were always persistence about birthday celebration)

Was neither keen nor excited about it---  i was busy enough already, i was happy. 

Today, i can say that i could manage time better, striving for a all rounded balance in different relationships. I learn to appreciate the people around me who has been trying to maintain the connections, that i sort of was taking their presence for granted. 

Along in the of our busy days, we been through daily events after events, met people after people, making promises after promises, plans after plans--- but nothing really happen.

There are many flying declaration i gave to others and to myself. But whenever i got so caught up with my work, i tagged those plans as " Waiting list".

Since whatever i had been thinking through for the past few days, i've decided that i'v work hard enough-- and start doing the thing, going to places and meeting people that i've been planning to of a while. 

Wait and see. Is something i like to do.

But also understand this: Wait, but not for too long. Because we do not know how much time we or the other person got to spare. 

Thank present the past gave us.

If we know how to appreciate the past, we'll know how to appreciate the now.

Wherever stage of the life we are at now,

Whatever we are doing today,

Be grateful.

Be grateful not only to the present,

Be more thankful for the history.

Reading the newspapers, the road signs, the job we are holding or simply the ability to speak at least one language--- didn’t happen suddenly right at the moment when you need it.

Everything begins from the day we were born. From the moment we took our first breath of life. If you were to see in a wider perspective, everyone around us plays a part as our teacher.

Not so much about we learning about them, but through them, we discover and learn more about ourselves. Through external experiences, we realized our strength & weaknesses.

For a simple example, to be able for us to write today, if I were to retrace back… there will be tons of people I’m grateful for:

All the teachers from my formal educations, if not for them, I would not be able to even write a simple blog post today;

My parents who painstakingly held my hand with a pencil tracing ABC;

My parents’ teachers for passing this knowledge… and so on.

The point is, everyone we met contribute some percentage of who we are now.

No matter how successful we thought we are now, its not solely based on our own effort. It’s an accumulated effort from all others, since the day we were born.

I particularly like the opening mantra, before the start of our practice. The last few verses that noted us to be thankful for the teacher who is standing in front of us ( at the present time), and the many teachers before us who passes down this divine knowledge till today ( in the history).

Every time when I sang it loudly in my heart before the practice, it reminds me to be thankful for whom I am today;

The teacher & myself, for the time we invested in the practice. 

Om
Vande Gurunam Charanaravinde
Sandarshita Svatma Sukava Bodhe
Nih Sreyase Jangalikayamane
Samsara Halahala Mohashantyai

Abahu Purushakaram
Shankhacakrsi Dharinam
Sahasra Sirasam Svetam
Pranamami Patanjalim
Om

Translation

om

I bow to the lotus feet of the Supreme Guru
which awaken insight into the happiness of pure Being,
which are the refuge, the jungle physician,
which eliminate the delusion caused by the poisonous herb of Samsara (conditioned existence).

I prostrate before the sage Patanjali
who has thousands of radiant, white heads (as the divine serpent, Ananta)
and who has, as far as his arms, assumed the form of a man
holding a conch shell (divine sound), a wheel (discus of light or infinite time) and a sword (discrimination).

om

No Fear, No Fun.

After today's practice, it reminded of a friend who said, " sometimes we have to reset our fear".
Yes, i think i'm resetting my fear, or i discovered a new level of fear this morning.

Every since, for so many sessions, religiously practice till the last pose I've received from James. While still trying to figure out ways to perfect the movement, hoping that i wouldn't get the jumping handstand till maybe another month ( i'm not at all ready for that! i enjoy seeing people around me doing it though.) or even till next year, i'm happy with what i've now.

Happily, while waiting for James to help me with the drop- back and i could finish up my practice ( my back was already sore, so tempted to just take rest any time); he stopped and gave me a new pose.
I was happy, it was very manageable & not too difficult.

Then again, James gave me another new pose, " jump into a handstand" he instructed.
Honestly, i went blank for a few seconds, so fast?!  I've been up on a handstand before, but not the way he wanted.

A part of me was excited, a part of it was in dread.
I've no idea where will i land after the jump; he didn't said what's after my feet came flying up? He said, " Just jump up" --- that's the fear--- of the unknown outcome.

James probably sensed my stress for trying to hit the red bull's eyes, then explained the purpose for me was not to hold a handstand; but rather to explore the possibilities after the jump--- ok, he want me to flip and experience the falling over.

While the kicking up was not as bad as i thought, wriggling my toes in the mid air was not too scary too; the tipping over to the other side... did scare the shit out of me.

" If you landed back to where you started, great"
" If you can balance in the mid air, great"
" If you fall over to the other side, its great too!"

" The point is, we have to learn how to crash over before we know how to balance."

I'm not quite sure if i'm challenging the mind for the fear of falling down, or opposing the responses of reflex action. If the kick went smoothly, it would bring me to a moment of tipping over  that i would pull back my feet last minute. ( like the movie " Inception" where there's a short moment of free- falling to wake the people up from dreams")

Few months ago, i thought jumping to Crane pose was a breakthrough to my personal fear of falling. Not anymore. This, is my new fear.
Never mind, i'll give it a try.

Just like what Sharath always said, " No Fear, No Fun".

Just by being soft, is strong.

Today is a moon day, and in the Ashtanga Yoga tradition, we take a day rest off from the regular practice. Its not a strict rule, just a guideline--- i mean, nothing really bad is going to befall if a full practice is done on moon days.

So, instead of slumping in my bed the whole morning, hoping the tightness & soreness will melt away by itself; i decided to dedicate today's practice just to stretch, nothing else.
Given the strong practice of Ashtanga Vinyasa method, i felt my body has been going through war zone these couple of weeks.

Top- up with a hectic schedule, i do felt the tension creeping into my--- which sometimes i mistook it as gaining strength. The difference between strength & tensed up is TIRED. 

In some way or another, all of us has forgotten the feeling of being soft. 

Taking 75minutes of my time, I got into a couple of very simple stretches, and it got deeper by holding each pose for at least 5 minutes.

And during that period, i enjoyed how the muscle fibers being elongated and then loosen; creating spaces in betweens. Just like how a lump of dough is being rolled, pulled and finally strung into noodle stripes.

The feeling of being soft is wonderful--- its not a sign of weak. Softness allows us to enter an area to be in touch with the core strength & tap into the potential of ourselves.

Just like liquid water can quench our thirst smoothly but not solid ice cubes--- and the difference is MELTING INO SOFTNESS.

Not forgetting to wrapped up the practice with a beautiful Butterfly hip- opening --- which serves a purpose of release any well- hidden anxieties & emotions;

Fish chest- opening--- that well served the idea of expanding the chest area, opening the heart center, readily receive the uplifting energy that the universal has to offer our life.

And of course, take some rest for the all time favorite: Savasana

When your practice doesn't "work" for you. Ditch that Blue- print!

A the back of my mind, always reminding myself that we have to keep an open mind when entering into daily practice. Accepting the condition of the body for that particular practice.

 But I do caught myself a few times recently, feeling ridiculed by the tightness that are appearing at the spots that weren’t before! Whenever I reached to a deep- twisted pose (Mariachi D), I couldn’t close one eye about starting to struggles to get hold of the position. 

Then, it came the deep- flexion movement of the spine (Supta kumasana); gotten all amused by the stiffness along my spine.

Those two poses, which I had been spending most effort, time & patience with for the past couple of years; the moment when I felt most independent and comfortable handling them, it seems that I’m losing it soon.  

My gosh!

What is happening to me? Was it because I’ve tire myself out too much… or was it the heavy dive tank I was carrying previously… or was it my sleeping position was bad?

We often step on the yoga mat bringing a blue print along with us; an expectation drawn in our head, for our body to accomplish. Just like giving a child a piece of homework, and wanting them to bingo the correct answer--- else… it’s negative.

I wasn’t frustrated at all, just that it will keep my wondering the whole while, finding that missing piece of reason that could comprehend my questions.

Today after practice, I went up to James about my concerns.

He asked, “ So, what are the additional poses you have been doing these couple of months?  When did you start doing deep- back bends (referring to kapotanasana), and all those strength work?

Whenever there are changes being introduced into our practice, the body changes, and so does everything you’ve been doing before will get affected too. Nothing’s wrong.”

Now I understood. All along I’d been misunderstood that our practice moves only forward, it can be slow like a snail… but it has to move forward. Taking from another perception, it’s more like a wave effect. Whatever we are doing in the present, it does cause an effect on both the past & future.

Like the waves, it pushes up to the shore; withdraw back to the sea, and pushes forward again & again. Re- visiting yet moving ahead.

 In the practice of Ashtanga, we re- visit the same sequence, the same pose again & again--- however, every entry is a whole new experience. Today we may fly through the whole practice; tomorrow we may be dragging hoping to survive.

I used to compare my own practice taking as reference to my previous ones. But come to think about it, don’t even do anything comparison--- not with others not even to yourself.  Comparison creates an expectation, it makes the practice becomes a rehearsed performance.

Dropping all that, I started to see the bigger picture and inviting more flexibility in the mind. 

There aren’t any correct or incorrect answers; there are only connections between cause & effect.  

Once we learn how to see them, we understand.