Pain, you're such an enigma!

Current time: 8.45PM.

I planned to wake up early next morning, maybe 3.30AM

to get ready for LED class. In fact, to be in the queue for the 6AM class. 

So, instead of hitting my pillow ASAP, I flipped open my laptop.

I was in the midst of shower, and gushes of thoughts waved through my head.

I want to write them down before it washes off together with the shampoo on my hair.

  

Pain is a good teacher. 

Most time not friendly. 

Sometimes not compassionate even. 

Probably it even smirked off as " You deserved every bit of it."

Today, during practice, Sharath said to someone in a back bend " No pain, no gain."

It has been awhile i last heard this from anyone.

I took it well now, not earlier. 

Looking 8 years back. 

Young and invincible ( at least that was how i felt at that time), i didn't listen, and  i wouldn't listen.

I just wanted to do what i wanted, because I CAN. 

I was blessed with a well-preserved, soft & injury-free body ( in fact, because i was too lazy to move and exercise during my adolescent years). 

Being flexible and bendy at the time was enough to WOW & impressed myself and the people around me.

So, i make good used of it. 

Why not right? Because I CAN.

" You shouldn't bend like this, you will pinch your back once day." A few teachers said to me.

Did i listen? NO. 

I couldn't understand or comprehend their precautions at all. 

I could still pretzel or swiss-roll however i wanted without a second thought. 

Nope, don't care. So long as i get what i wanted, I'm going to do what i want.

A good 5 years later, practice progressing & body changes; and its time for my abusive attitude to stop. 

I pulled my Rotator-cuffs muscles, then my Lumbar was giving me issues, then the Piriformis...

and they kind of took turns to surface, whenever i wasn't aware enough and repeat my bad habits. 

Oh... its pay back time. I thought.

A sunny day out by the river bank checking out indians having cleansing bath;)

 At that point, I gave myself 2 options. 

1. Ditch the practice.

2. Ditch my old habits & see what i can get from the practice.

I chose 2. 

Because i have enough faith that the intention of the practice is to heal. 

I held back my pride, back-off many steps back and humbly work my new way forward.

That also meant that i have to brush pass "pain" a few times to work my way through. 

It was so frustrating, helpless & upsetting with all those struggles. 

Many times, i do just want to victimized myself by saying 

" oh poor me, why is this happening to me?" 

 You know, but an immediate response echoed, " Oh, you didn't listen, remember?" 

I like how some teachers regards the practice as a life-time practice.

 Its relatively, right?

If I'm going to commit to this for a long-time, my whole life time.... what's the rush?

What is the frustration all about? Where are you rushing to?

Make things right again & let it blossom again. Take time lady!

My school teacher once said the same thing.

" tell a kid not to touch the lighted candle"

"next moment you see the kid want to go near it"

" warn the kid again or few more time that the flame is hot, don't go near it." 

" next moment, the kid will go near the flame again."

" you know what? just let the kid get burn."

" just one time he gets burnt, he will learn"

I do see myself being teacher, sometimes nag at students a couple of times about the practice.

And i could totally relate to them for not listening unintentionally.

Well, so then i waited. They taught me to extend my level of patience indeed. 

I waited to the day they felt something was off or some pain is happening;

The day that their ears open willingly & ready to take in some information;

That my words are now more worthy to them, that's the right time for both of us. 

So even if pain seems like a heartless teacher;

not a nice teacher.

But definitely a good teacher with lots of tough love!

 

WHO HAS BEEN THE GREATEST INFLUENCE THIS YEAR?

 " WHO HAS BEEN THE GREATEST INFLUENCE THIS YEAR?"

Who has been my greatest influence this year?

I guess i should say who has i allow myself to be influenced greatly.

My teacher in Singapore, James.

Because, he put in a great amount of effort to understand me as a person first. 

With full sincerity and consistency. Never a time he pressurized me until I'm ready for my turn to understand what his teachings.  

As years pass by, i have learn to be really selective with the people i spend time with. 

Looking back, i often laughed at myself how naive i was; yet of course i have no regret at all for what i had went through.

" You are too young & naive"
" You are so blur!"
" You are too emotional"
" You are not being smart enough"
" You are such a push-over"
" You don't have to be so nice"..... and on & one.

Remarks that i received too often:)
Sometimes i thought, if i have a chance to re-live those years again, i would probably make the same choice.

" What if I'm going to die today? There are still things i have yet done."

No kidding. This is something i told myself regularly.

How far are we going to plan our life before we can savor it?
 
Not being adult, too playful? Maybe.
At least I'm glad that i manage to fulfill my bucket list that i owed myself for years.

Yeah, good & bad experiences keep me going forward, to who i am today:)
Actually,I'm pretty proud of myself the way i turn out to be now!

 " Make mistakes, go ahead and make many mistake. But, make different ones."James used to say this pretty often.

I believe that at every stage of our lives, there we meet a person just at the right time to make that turn in our journey. 
But of course, if we follow every turn, we will end up confused, lost and nowhere we want to end up in. 
A wise choice, a wise turn, & a wise change.

There was a question that was pretty interesting:

There are 4 paths ( A,B,C,D)

Only 1 path leads to your destination.

How would you go about this journey?

The demanding ashtangi

" An advanced yoga practitioner is not one who has tasted the most advanced poses,

rather one who has gain advancement in their attitude and character as a person

even in the simplest form of practice in their lifetime." 

At least to me. 

 

It was all about the pose when i started. 

And somehow overtime, it isn't all about the pose, but through the poses we learn many other values in life. 

 

In the primary series, a handful of student will hit their first hurdle in Marichiyana D ( a seated deep twisted that looks like a pretzel). 

Every time when i go to them to adjust or assist them, they would asked 

" When will i ever get to do this myself? I have been trying for 6 months already, its still not happening!"

 

Most times, i laughed it off and told them that i struggled for 3 years without a teacher before the magic happened to me. I'd been through that " feel bad" and frustration enough to empathize them. Still, the reality is, our bodies need time to condition. 

Don't be unreasonable!

 

Then what, the next hurdle at Supta Kumasana took me 6 years! 

Even now and then i still need help, should i sit down and cry?

 

It's funny how we love to allocate timeline on different stages in our lives and similarly how we allocate timeline for achieving each pose.

 

Who say so? Who set the timeline? Who frame that limitation?

 

Instead of being demanding towards those poses, why not demand for more patience, persistence and endurance in the practice?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is the sound of ( your) homecoming?

The beeping sound of the automatic car-lock at the carpark below our block.
Somehow, we knew that beeping sound must be from our dad's car.

Mmmummm! Dad's is downstairs at the carpark liao! *singlish

Endless giggles, jokes and teasing among the sisters.

The anxious clanking of the pots and pans, chopping and sizzling from the kitchen.
Mum was just rushing out the last dish.

Come, help me taste if the soup is nice or should i put some more seasoning.
Ok ah? Can ah? Then get ready to set the table, your daddy is reaching home soon ah! *

Clicking of the footsteps outside the house, the sound of the keys clinking. First unlocking the heavy-duty lock from the metal gate, then the sturdy wooden door.

Daddy! You are back, can have dinner liao!*
Hmmm. I go shower first, you all get ready. 

Symphony of table-setting: choptstick, ceramic bowls & spoons, a few episode of shouting from mum, pushing chairs around to make space...

Finally, everyone was on the dining table for dinner as a family.

Haiz, finally can sit down, so busy at the kitchen whole day. Come, let's start, drink the soup first hor, its very flavourful, i used slow- cooker to prepare it for hours.... ....... *

That was the sound of home-coming when i was young.
The sounds from my parents, the familiar sound when a door unlocks... the anticipation still triggers a reaction inside me.

Year after, and today... homecoming probably feels more like a state of comfort, security and reassurance i provide for myself. The moment when a steady silence is still maintain regardless of how chaotic and exciting fun time the world is having.

Not always though, it is much challenging then i ideally wanted it to be; however, whenever i catch a period of the inner voice of silence, i think feel safe and nice:)

* singlish 
singapore version of english. It is a mix of dialects, languages and no-sense expression.
Its heavily used as part of our communication with friends and family. 

2016 ----> 2017

We always move forward, even it doesn't feel like it. 
Even with every setback, we may feel like stepping back;  it is also part of the process to move forward. 

Those were the words my teacher, James highlighted during the last few coffee sessions before i headed to Mysore.
I guess, that pretty much sums up my year of 2016!

2016 hasn't been easy, but it has been smooth and fulfilling. Many things happened, and i did have to work doubly hard than i planned to, just to make this year end trip happen.
Always thankful for the good people around me who made me feel damn lucky!

I've always hear others hopping for a better next year. Or even accumulating years of resolutions, which probably remain untouched till the following year.
I used to believe in resolution, and finding myself getting a long list of " have- not- do- list'.

The more i look at it, the more i felt that I'm going to regret living a life like this.

So i stopped. I stop listing down resolution, i stop hoping a better year ahead.

I had a good year, and it cannot be better than the way it unfolded for me.

I am looking forward to having more opportunities and necessary changes in my life.
And all i ask from myself as a reminder, is to be firm with my boundaries and enjoy the process.

 ---- No social party in the process, i slept through, very well rested:) -----

On the first day of 2017, 

Headed to Operation Shanti for play time with the kids. 

I first met them when i was 22, and now I'm 30. 

Every time when i looked at the older kids, i'm amazed by how fine and well they have grown up to be. 

Given a conducive environment & proper education, any kid from any birth background can excel in their life--- when they are willing to work hard for it. 
And this applies to us, grown- up adults too.

Isn't it? Just that along the way, we forgotten about it & cries how life has been treating us badly.

To get a little more introspective, just few days before,
I've friends gave birth to lives & people who passed on. 
Everything happened too quickly, and the whole process was too surreal. 

And that we are all in the process of living and dying. 
I do not wish to have another death to remind me how much we should appreciate each breath we are taking.

On the last day of 2017, 

I wish we all have become a better version of ourselves from today, Happy New Year folks!