梦想.लालसा.aspirasi. Dreams.

One evening, on my way to a class on a taxi....

While enjoying the moving scenery, the smoothness of the wheels on the road and listening to this interesting interview made over the radio of a mandarin channel;

With a veteran local actor who recently started his dream project of directing a film entering into the China market, 朱厚任 ( Zhu Houren)--- talking about a topic on 梦想 ( Aspirations). 

My attention immediately shifted from gazing of the passing trees & blue sky filled with fluffy clouds to him. What has this man who has already been around for more than half a decades has to talk about dreams at his age. 

Him talking about how much courage he took to step out from his comfort zone from being just acting to directing, he mentioned one sentence that came closes to my heart:

孩子的梦想，往往都是被父母吹灭
The dreams of a child, are usually tarnished by parents. 

Such reflective sentence came from his mouth of being in a role of a parent himself, was such a warm-heartening and relived from my constant tug-of-war with my parents. 

As i've mentioned in my previous blog posts, i admit that I'm probably the most rebellious child in the family--- i am not guilty at all:) 
In usual cases, my parents will only support my idea only after the change is a successful one. Which upsets me, sometimes. 

The closest kin are the ones who can hurt us most, because the relationship is close enough for that. 
Till today, i get constant disagreements with my parents for the kind of places i love traveling to, the activities that i enjoy doing and the community of people i love to engage with--- and the many life choices of micromanagement can really drives me crazy.

I've seen children growing up to become unhappy adults, compromising their happiness for the sake of the expectation from their parents--- the vicious cycle is just going to pass on to the next generation; my self-duty is to identify and cut this pattern for a happier and healthier future generation. 

Of course, in the view point of parents, i understand all parents want the best for their children. They love me as much as i love them. The antagonist appear when they are trying to fit me into their boxes-- and i'm highly sensitive for such manipulation. 

I remember how my parents will always show me all the negatives news articles after my travels to India and Indonesia, or after my dive trips--- hoping to plant the seed of fears discouraging my future travel plans to these countries again. It didn't work to favor them:)

Once, i nearly lost my own identity and started to take over their insecurities about so many things in life--- realizing that my constant fighting with their resistance was making me really tired. 

I've grow enough to understand that i may not need to make my parents happy the way they wanted to mould me to be right now;

the least i can do is to make them have no worries about me for being able to take care of myself--- they will be happy when the day they can truly understand me * crossed finger for the day to come sooner*

People wondered why i love traveling away for so long, especially to my favorite comfortable hide-out in Mysore, India. While many may think that my months in Mysore is a vacation---

Its not.

Being in Mysore, puts me into a reflective mode: it gives me enough space to really breathe into who i am and ground myself into where i want to move forward as a person in future--- its a spiritual luxury--- something i can't get back home filled with constant disagreements of my growth into blooming of who i really am. 

Listen to yourself, that's matter most. Consistently listen to the voice inside, and do what is right for yourself--- everything will fall into place beautifully when we least expect. 

Yogic tools to be In-sane.

My working- partner of 6 years and counting, Shirly always reminded me how already lucky that i touches the yoga path comparably in young age. I know, and i do remind myself everyday to put those acquired knowledge into good use. 

During one of my lowest point in life, when i thought i've just murdered myself emotionally---- i was having such a lousy mood on the plane all by myself. Just wanted to be left alone on that journey. 

This flight attendant walked up to me, with a wide smile, offered me a packet of nuts-- i rejected his offer initially, and he went on jingling the packet in front of me-- as if trying to make a child happy with candies ( i felt like that, seriously!) I looked at him and smiled for his nice gesture, and took the packet. 

Told myself that moment,

" Adeline, you just have to meet one good soul, and everything will fall into place nicely."

And it did. I begin to experience how my choices & lifestyle is creating a positive effects in the different connections & relationships with the people around me. For once, i knew that the universe had been taking care of me.  

This, i am truly glad that i started the yoga path early-- acquired at least the basic tools to maintain some level of sanity in the most insane situations i am/was in. 

I know that even if my whole world seems to be shattering, i can always fall back on my yoga practice with full trust. The yogic tools will always be there for my use to fix the pieces together. 

I've been through times when doubts, objections & expectations being thrown at me all at once--- every time when i thought i'm going to lost my ground, or even doubting myself so much;

I forced myself to the mat and practice---no matter how difficult it is or how much i wanted to avoid. 

Growth happens in most difficult time; i must admit that practicing yoga has accelerated the rate of maturity and my perception towards many things that i didn't manage to see in the past.

So, i'm secretly glad that i traded off corporate job & a degree paper for an"unpopular" choice of being a yoga teacher. 

I too want to pass a small message to all practitioners who had already dropping into a couple of yoga classes on & off many times--- start appreciating your time and effort for investing part of your life on the mat and the practice....

Because, one of this day, you will be real grateful that you have these yogic tools in your pocket that to survive in thunderstorms :)

Let all the sh*t flow out and get over it!

Admit it, yoga is not completely sweet--- its bitter sweet.

Keeping my personal practice on the mat going, has surely plays a huge part of the choices i take in my life.

Know what's the scariest and toughest part as the practice progress--- not all those falls or bruises or aches--- the  more dreadful is the part where we have to face our sh*t agin and again and again......
till we really get over, let go and grow up.

I can totally feel the capability of the practice to put me where i should be, not where i want to be. Every time when i got into a unfamiliar ground during my practice; the experience of at loss and anxiety really shook me up, and that i was so " traumatized" till that part of my memory was "lost" for a while.

However, that has successfully unfold the past memories of the same emotions--- that i believed has been living in my sub-conscuios--- because they appeared in my dream repeatedly.
Sometimes, i woke up having a feeling of sadness--- and i knew it clearly that its the results of the previous practices.

Again and again, layers and layers of such emotions and memories flows out from time to time.
Its frightening, because each time i felt that i'm not going to survive--- but i'm desperate enough for that breath of freedom.

David Swenson, a well- known Ashtanga teacher once mentioned, " Yoga practice on the mat is only a sample part of your whole life."

It is.

There are many times, i asked myself, if given a second chance to choose--- would i choose otherwise?

My answer will always be a "No". I will not choose otherwise; i will still choose to stick to the same choices i made few years ago. And this, stop all my rubbish thoughts from churning, and appreciate of my effort today.

I do understand that just like being on the mat--- we can't move on to the next when we are struggling with the current. The repeatedly having to face the same struggle can be really tiring--- but thats's where we gather enough strength for that break through.

Face it, the practice is just going to get tougher--- the more we do it, the more sh*t we are going to reveal--- sit tight and stay stronger. We will eventually survive and see the next sunrise;)