Knowing Your Worth !

Came across this interesting story recently...

A professor started his lecture take a $20 note from his back pocket and he asked, 
" How many of you would like this note?"

Hands started going up. 

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you - but first, let me do this."

He proceeded to crumple the $20 note up. He then asked. "Who still wants it?" 
Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the
ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. 

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. 
It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. 

We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. 

We either get devalued by our own insecurities & self-doubts or by the opinions of others.

 

But none of these are necessary.
None of these is going to propel us to move forward.

During our usual meeting after class, my teacher pointed " If you truly know what you are doing, that you are good, you don't have to be in the mercy of others.'

I remember the days when teaching yoga in corporate sectors was challenging for me. I was heavily judged:

- Too young ( i started at 23) CHECKED
- Too little experience CHECKED
- Too expensive CHECKED
- Unacceptable outfit ( slippers) CHECKED
- Bosses & Top management too important CHECKED

Noted.

There was one interesting incident that taught me well.

A yoga-related lunch-time workshop for a company.

The lady who liaised with passed down all judgements * from the above list * at one shot over a brief meeting.

" They are all our top management and bosses. Very important people. Please don't screw up."
" Please wear something that cover the feet, its not very appropriate to have slippers in this building." 

She noted.
 I smiled.

" Will you be joining the class too?" I asked.
" Oh~ no, no."

The following day, i appeared in the class in my usual slippers.
Smiling my way through some rolled-eyes.

The class started with all well dressed-up ladies & gentlemen.

And ended with shoes & socks off, ties off, unbuttoned collars, rolled up sleeves, watches off,  loosen belts, relaxed shoulders and lots of laughter.

The bosses were happy, i was happy & the lady was happy.

So i thought, how was the worrisome before even necessary?

Thankful to that particular day, ( that i would never forget) that i received a great lesson for myself..

People can pass judgements easily on us, that doesn't matter much at all.
More importantly is, what kind judgement are we passing upon ourselves?






 
 

For the students whom we open and close the practice with Chants:)

I decided to introduce opening & closing mantra to a group of students fairly new to the Ashtanga practice yesterday. However tongue- twisting it may be presented at our tongues, I was glad that they were very open to give it a try and sing along with me.

Mantra, is one aspect that draws me into the practice, i love how the vibration we created can really  centre my mind, and the resonant after gives an amazing feeling of calmness. 

The concept of singing the opening chant is a great to platform to withdraw any external distractions and get drawn into our centre-- before starting the practice.

Personally, though i may not understand completely the real meaning of each verse

due to the language barrier of Sanskrit--- English translation however only offers a very surface explanation of the mantra;

I take upon the chance to thank the many previous teachers along the lineage who relentlessly passing down the knowledge for over the centuries till today---

Patanajli ( the sage name that appear in the opening mantra, is believed to the the first person who created the yogic knowledge that makes applicable throughout the years of generations--- on the book of Yoga Sutra)  so that we get the chance to learn and be in touch with the practice for our well-being. 

While after the physical practice, the closing mantra plays a good role as the closure of all those self- exploration, emotions roller- coaster and self- confrontation that happens during that 1.5hr to 2hrs hard work. 

It sets as a gentle reminder and appreciation for ourselves of making the time, space and effort to be in the practice, and for the craves of the self-knowledge. Always be grateful for the opportunity to be on the mat. 

The very first year when i started attending yoga classes in a big yoga studio in Singapore, the teacher would lead us into an "Aum" before starting the class. Which i loved it how it sets us in the right attitude after all those hectic rush and stress from work. 

Thereafter, the teachers stopped this practice instructed by the management, as some members were not comfortable with it. I felt a little disappointed of course and ridiculed by the discomfort. 

For those who were not comfortable could choose not to join in the "Aum" and wait for the rest; respecting the ancient practice, instead of stopping everyone from it just because of personal mental imbalance. 

It was a little saddening to me personally, because then the idea of yoga practice becomes so physical and concept of exercises ( which is definitely not)--- the contortion of the underlying purpose of the practice continues as the whole system was broken down into pieces. 

Soon after, i was drifting away from commercialize classes, because they no longer able to feed me answers for my questions other than on a very physical level. 

Now, as being a yoga teacher myself, that gave me a motivation to bring the connection of the physical ( asana)  practice and the more philosophical part of the practice to my students--- along with asana, we need to go beyond and understand the intention of the yogic system. 

Two things you can't hide from your yoga teacher.

Through the teaching of yoga towards different students, we want to collect as much information as possible from a student in the shortest period-- so as to better understand their actual conditions.

Most of the time, we depends on verbal and visual observations. 

To be very open with the range of students i've encountered, large percentage stands to the area of           " very self- conscious"--- which very few of them are open to their health conditions, their beginner level of practice and to their weaknesses in the class.

I'm not saying that they are lying or hiding it deliberately. Usually its a habitual low level of self awareness that they didn't even realize it.  

Thus, they don't mentioned it, consciously behaved in a conditioned manner throughout the practice--- portraying a "tough" expressions or expressionlessly that they are "alright".

But in most time, which is not the case.

There are two things students can't hide from yoga teachers:

Your breathing pattern don't lie.

However the students try to control their facial expressions, or their body movements--- their irregularity of the breaths leaks out the cat in the bag. Whether you are holding your breathing, or making too much effort in your breath--- your teacher knows it all, just by walking past you.

Because, you can't pretend to be relax till your breaths say so.

A touch says it all.

I love being touch and adjust by teachers during the practice.
Its like an information exchange within that few seconds of contact. A touch determined the decision for me to stay or leave.

I love touching my students too, its a non-verbal yet very accurate way to know and understand their bodies & conditions. The reflex responses is so spontaneous that usually display their real underlying problems ( them.. unknowingly, us.. knowing everything).

Each twitch, each softening and each tension from their muscles--- tell us a lot about them, which can be very useful for both the teacher & students.

Yoga teaching has made me realized not to take things as face- value--- till i experience it myself. 

In the modern society, people habitually tend to hide their real self, and present an "ideal" image of themselves to the peers. And one day, they lost themselves too, for the sake of being too conscious of how people view them. 

When students appear on the yoga mat, there are many things they do not know about themselves in the reality condition. They only recognize themselves in the " ideal" state of self- creation in their little fantasy. So when coming into this practice, some could not handle seeing their own truth. 

Students of the younger age appear to be more open to changes, and let loose to allow whatever the practice has got to offer--- thus making better progression. 

Students of maturity tends to hold back a lot of tension and present a great fear of releasing. 

Which also is a reflection of their mental state of learning--- rigidity. Very much because of years of conditioning from work & peers, they habitually want to take control of every inch of their muscles-- creating more tension.

I've no judgement of anyone, but this place a good observation study for me how we can slowly loose our real selves unconsciously, in the period of us trying to fit into the society through the creation of another pseudo of ourselves. 

Back to work: Commitment is a chosen freedom.

After a little more than 2 months break from work schedule that i gave myself, i'm finally all ready to start teaching. Air plane seats are probably most body-destructing, but for the love of traveling.. i tried to manage my way through the stiffness and body aches.

Before i start my first class today at 8am, i planned to get myself a good morning practice. Deliberately when to bed the previous night real early, and i got up by 3.30am--- did my new routine of oil pulling, rolled my mat out and lit a peppermint candle to warm up the space.

4am, i started working through each knot of stiffness around my body ( especially my thighs, post over-shopping syndrome i guess).
Love the feeling of the heat flowing through the fibers, spilling beads of sweats that were glistering on my skin.

By the time when my practice was coming to an end, its dawn at 6am. I fell into a deep rest ( maybe catching up on my sleep hours), my back was aching, my thighs was shaking, and i my head was just too blank to think about anything.

Upon my next deep inhale to slowly bring myself to mobility, one thought passed through my head...

Commitment is a chosen freedom. 

1/4 of second series--- Stepping into a not -so- peaceful practice.

Within the few years of commitment with the Ashtanga Primary, i would be so eager to want to do the Secondary... all so attracted by the fanciful poses.
Now, when its in my hands, i am rather approaching it very cautiously.

James started bring me into some second series poses, i was all excited about the practice. What i did not realized before was the up- roaring emotional effect just over few months of practice.

Besides the deep extension and flexion of the spine, or the exploration of full range motion of the joints--- there was this commotion stirring up inside me, when i couldn't really grasp it well.

So finally, one day i injured myself, and i totally back- off from the intensity-- and retreat back to modified Primary practice for couple of months. During this "recovery" time, i was aware of the changes internally--- more toned down than before, more at ease.

As when i felt more emotionally ready, i returned back to the second series under James recently.
I'm sure many practitioners too experience the over-whelming and up- heaving emotions surges during their early stage the secondary. In especially all those deep backbends and extreme chest opening positions-- many uncomfortable things within are happening in that 5 breaths.

What i personally experience as i started the second series ( i didn't go that far, probably just a quarter of the whole), images attached with not- so- nice feeling show up in my head. This didn't happen in the Primary practice--- this reappearing of the past issues happens whenever i pick up second series again.

It is kind of frustrating for me, because i re- enter into episodes that didn't make me feel good--- not in the past and not in the present.
I felt sad or angry once again, for which i thought i'd consciously moved on long time ago.

Sarcastically, these nerve- cleansing effects from the second series was telling me--- how i did not actually get over those emotions, and that i was just carpeting over them.

A re-visit to the practice, i am taking it with more maturity and more willing to allow the process of uncovering my layers of emotions from the past drama. I will not say secondary practice in any one point is comfortable for me now---- its a good time and stage for me to grow.

This is how my yoga practice makes HER worry less:)

Really, no matter what age we are at, mum always got something to worry about.
I would usually briefly note mum about my travel plan--- so the scene of mother hen looking for her missing chick frantically will not happen.

Previous years she would never fail to display her unhappiness for my India travel plan.
" mum, i'll be in India for XX months"
" Oh, you better be very careful of the Indians, the news always report....."

" mum, i'll be going to Bangkok myself"
" Oh, Thailand not very safe, there are riots, the Thai can be quite violent, the news reported yesterday..."

" mum, i'm going malaysia"
" Oh, malaysia politics very unstable, and news reported the malaysian..."

" mum i'll be gone for Bali"
" Ah, indonesia very complicated, why you always go this type of dusty places.."
" Not Jarkata, Bali got lots of fresh air.."

" mum, i'm going diving at XX"
" Is it safe, the water not very safe these days.. are there sharks, there are fishes will bite.."

Yesterday...
" mum, i'm going to HK myself next week, not at home for XX days"
" Ah! eh... you be careful.. Hongkong got a lot of robbery and murdering cases"

" Mum, last night Little India has got riot, so we should not stay in Singapore, its not safe anymore.."

Sometimes, i thought. If i were to be an obedient girl to my parents ( which i'm obviously not), i would have missed out so much fun and life experiences.

So, sometimes... maybe most times, i choose not to listen to my parents. For so much investment they had put into our education, i believed i have the ability to make my own decisions and capability to uphold any responsible of those choices.

Once master Paalu, my teacher said how our role as children will switch as we grow. Which in turn, we are slowly taking over the role of being a parents to our aging parents.

I had been thinking, how should we serve our duty as children--- so that parents can worry less...
i mean, they will worry anyway, but maybe lesser..?

For so many times as my mum has been teasing, objecting and even disgusted by the choices i made--- But, one day, she mentioned a line which gave me a reassurance that i'm not too of a bad kid..

I was in the midst of my practice in the living room...

" I don't have to worry about adeline. I know she can take care of herself."
Because, she was actually the one who witness my practice most of the time at home-- shocked by the amount of sweat i can spill,  keeping quiet with an wide eyes when i fell hard missing my balance.

Her words actually fell on me like sparkling dust from heaven.
Great for me, because the last thing i want to give my parents as a grown up kid-- is not to worry about me. They shouldn't.

For all those "unsafe" activities of mine in her eyes, actually makes her less worry about me!


Independency, its another word for freedom. 
I enjoy the feeling of freedom with self- discipline;
Thus my creativity is alive in such a space.

This, i really have to thank yoga practice for teaching me so much about life. 

Discriminate.

He who knows how to preserve energy,

lives a fulfilled life of wisdom.

He who knows how to splurge life force,

lives an unfulfilled life of foolish. 

The wise and unwise,

spaced between the crack of

discrimination, viveka. 

Yes, i'm dropping out two months for myself.

I can feel the holiday breeze kissing my cheeks, and i'm outrightly counting down to the day i'm taking myself off from any teaching for at least the next two months.

As much as i love my profession, i've arrived at the stage that i do also yearn very much to be just a student. Just this year, i did experience some points of burnt out, which i really dread it. There'll be months i got so caught up with classes, and struggled to pull myself back to the mat. 

Even if i managed to, i became impatient with my practice and injured myself literally in my own hands. Understanding from the yoga sutra that mentioned in the first chapter how the fluctuation of the thoughts can easily push us off track. 

This year was special, when the profile of my students shifted from physical aliments, to mental and emotional pains. As from them, i slowly discover how the symptoms of persistent physical aliments lead us to the seed--- in most causes, the inability to manage the negative emotions. 

In my case, i'm checking out "depression." 

No matter how much "non- attachment" i've been reading and applying for the past few years; to be honest, i do get affected by some of the students. Or probably i should say i'm not really ready for it, but i'm not giving it up.

As my usual routine was to retreat myself in mysore, back to basic, lots of space for some thought pondering, big sky, simple food, reading, practice and lots of sleep. This year i'm not heading to Mysore, instead to bali for a short break. 

 I'm very happy to get my advanced dive license just few months back, and definitely going to explore the sea or even a few short trips to the beaches is great.

Even if i'm in town, i've promised myself not to touch any teaching class for the two months--- and i'll take the opportunity to do nothing at all, i'm happy with that! 

Some people was concerned about how am i going to survive without income--- no problem,  i'll earn it later.

Money at this point, shouldn't be a hindrance to self- discovery. If i can survive that little before, why can i today? 

As much as i do understand some experienced teachers could constantly straddle between giving and receiving and even striking a balance comfortably; i've not. Still being green, i do swing between burnt out, or wanting give up altogether. 

I have this burning fire in my stomach to learn ( not necessarily yoga related, on anything), to see more and to dive deeper in the ocean of life-- and for that to happened, i need space and time away from the daily routine, out from my comfortable couch and place my both feet on the unbeaten path.

Hola!

Yoga teaching is an easy job? Say it again.

Whoever that conveniently says yoga teaching is a stress-free and easy job, i'll mentally dong your head with my spatula. Sometimes this gets on my nerves...not always,  just sometimes.

The best part was when some make it worst with those few occasions they checking out the rates i'm charging each class and the number of classes i'm teaching, calculated my assumed salary of a yoga teacher.
And thanks for the conclusion with " Wow, you must be very rich with such an easy job!"

The bench mark of being a successful yoga teacher varies.

I'm generally not too concern with how many numbers of students i've taught; i'm more appreciative with how many student i'd actually helped. 

I've been in corporate life, though not too long, long enough for me to realize that's not my cup of tea. Been there, done that. 

Do understand my instant jump into this yoga wagon definitely has swirled me into endless uncertainties & insecurities. If you want to talk about stable income, CPF contribution, bonus & list of corporate enhancement--- i don't have any of them. 

Those yoga posters you see along the street, that glamorous, gracefulness & serenity... don't be silly... that's for advertisement purposes. Go into the studio, you'll see messed up hairdo, trembling muscles, distorted facial & sweaty bodies... not forgetting about the mixture of body smell. 

Yoga teaching, a glamorous job? Think again. 

The glamor probably happens only at the entering into the class & standing in front of the students.

- We ended our work day by mid-day, because we started our day when you're still snoozing in sweet dreams.

- Doing our practice is not a kind of luxurious hobby; its us taking lessons through self-practice. 

-Our private practice is actually a challenge we are lifting to explore our range of emotions actively. And like you, we are still in the process of learning to be a better person in difficult situation. 

- Touching and physical adjustments of the your bodies, with different mode of strength control, uses a lot of our energy. 

- While one side of our brain is generating the right vocabulary of verbal instructions, the other side of our brain is busy accessing and generating methods to help your aliments.

- Whatever words that comes out from our mouth and our head is not on the same time. Usually, we need the mind to be at least two steps ahead of what your ears received. 

- Though we are looking at one direction, but in fact, we have been trained to have a " third" eye implanted at the back of our head. So, whatever you do behind our back, we saw it. 

- All our senses ( except taste) has to operate fully to read you. By the sight of your facial expression, listening to your breathing, smelling your body scent and touching the reaction of your flesh-- we actually rapidly generate a brief report your problems. And quickly follow by approached to rectify them.

- And finally, the sweat on our skin and clothes, are a mixture sweats from you.

Inclusively of the above, i still like what i'm doing. Its never ever relax job, but the fact that i enjoy everything about it.... its worth my time and attention i put into it. 

Getting into the practice of yoga & getting into teaching of yoga--- are two separate matter. 

One who enjoy the practice, may not enjoy the teaching. 

One who wants to teach, has to be dedicated to the practice.  

I don't start teaching only when i'm in the field of yoga. Basically, i like teaching.. if i like the subject well enough. In school days, i've already given the opportunities to explore my skills of teaching---

my time in the music bands over 8 years or even teaching my classmates accounting subject.

Yoga just happened to be one of the subject that i'm intensely curious in, therefore scooping deeper into the subject. 

The magical moment during savasana.

Have you been into the state of that magical moment of stillness during your time in savasana?
This short period will happen only a solid focused practice is done before taking this rest.

When finally i reached the last pose, sweats droplets sliding down to hair ends & body soaking wet... i lay down comfortably flat on the mat.

Trying to catch every breath, as my body soften part by part after each exhalation, my heart beats taking its sweet time to slow down.... i closed my eyes. I was too tired anyway to think about any other stuff, just to allow my thoughts settle on the base of my mind.

I could still hear the clock ticking, the birds chirping repeatedly outside the window...
Soon, those surrounding sounds seems to move further and further away from me;
at the same time, i was moving closer and closer towards myself.
Its a stranger feeling--- i sort of then understand the phrase " moving inwards to yourself"... it felt this way.

Slowly, i was also moving away from the gentle flow of my breathes. It was getting more shallow then before... and finally, it ceased. Everything stops for a while, the emptiness that people had been talking about seems like this. The body and mind felt like hovering few centimeter above the ground. I guess i must have been holding my breath, but i felt no pressure at all... everything weightless.

This moment, happens only for that short while. Nothing had ever made me enter into this state other than a good savasana. The in between slot of awake and sleep.

And suddenly, i took a deep inhale, amazing feeling... that immediately reminded me of the burst of life, the appreciation of being alive, the light of hopes. That one inhalation, pulled me back to reality again.

Practicing with injuries: An expansion of knowledge.

I’ve always been grateful to the teachers who had introduced the method of Ashtanga Vinyasa method, and those who had been inspiring me to continue in such demanding practice till today.

While having a chit chat with my working partner, Shirly last week--- both of us were pouring out our concerns on our recent physical pains & injuries from the practices. Ironically, instead of shunning away from the practice altogether, we were encouraging each other how we should take a step back and modify our practice accordingly to our physical condition.

While there are 6 series in the Ashtanga Vinyasa collection, I have tasted that Primary and some bites from the Secondary.

The Primary series is a no- escape for anyone is coming into this traditional teaching. It has a name give to this full sequence as “ Yoga Chikitasa”--- means “ Yoga Therapy”.  Bashing off the idea of a slow and sweat-less session commonly seen in today’s yoga studios--- this is a very pro-active style of therapy. With the benefit of thorough physical detoxification, one couldn’t imagine how much bad stuff had been living off inside us for years.

The Primary series don’t just take 10 or 20 sessions, 1 or 2 months to“ complete”. It took me 4 years (since 2009) before i'm allowed to... or a teacher give me the first pose of the Secondary series.

Of course I was delighted, it felt like I’ve “graduated” from the Primary and moving on to the Secondary. The Second series holds a different purpose of the practice. After the body purification process from the Primary, one is then ready to face the next deeper level of purification--- Nadi Shodhana, also know as "Nerve Purification."

This nerve breaking practice can almost give me a mental breakdown. It not only involves in many deep back- bends and twists; it demands for so much strength I couldn’t have imagined.  It sways me between the sense of fear and frustration, and constant testing of my tolerance level to walk out of the room. 

Never a thought I would want to avoid or give up this series—even though I’m at a snail crawling speed. The indescribable nice effect after the practice is invaluable.

While so much chest opening movement are involved, which opens the door of our heart centre--- a very intimate place in each of us, where our emotions stay.

Like lifting the lid of the Pandora box, once the contents in the box are revealed, the fluctuation of the mind is almost unmanageable at times. However, when each layer shows up, I learnt something about myself. 

And so, finally one fine day during my exploration of this passionate series, I injured myself. The physical pain was not as bad as the guilt and self- blame that was happening inside me. It felt as if I’ve disrupted my own practice by not able to move anymore forward.

I couldn’t swallow the pride of having to retrace back to the Primary series. At first, I felt like a downgraded practice.  Still expecting my body to perform the expected level... eventually I came peace with myself and decided to listen to the crying pain of my knee.  

Ok, I’ll go back to the primary and even modify it--- after all, I was the one who landed myself in this situation.

Days ago, I would have carry the thought that our practice can only move forward. After the peaceful pact, I’ve realized that the practice is an expansion of knowledge as a whole learning tank, which I can always revisit what I’ve acquired previously as an assistant to the difficulties I’m facing at the present time.

Shirly gave a very good example (learning from her previous injures)--- it felt like someone had just pushed you down the stairs while you thought you’ve been doing well climbing almost to the top. And back down to the first step again, the frustration is not helpful at all. Being angry or sad will not bring me back to where I fell from--- why not look forward and retrace the steps up again.

This is when the mind will start to look down on the physical, blubbering unconstructive comments--- while the injured physical is still shouting like a child. I’ve learned to create space between both for wisdom to handle what’s appropriate.

And yes, my knee got so much better than I thought, whee!

Quick fix--- go to pharmacy. Else, get back to your yoga mat and work it out.

Today a student was asking me for additional class for her husband, as she was worried about his high cholesterol level with the recent health report. I was quite reluctant and told her he probably has to wait till next year as i'm not taking any new slots till I'm off for my travel.

She was very concerned and trying to talk me through taking her husband. Interestingly, she noted that her husband had never willing to do yoga previously; and this time he actually requested for it but was not ready to put in more than 10 minutes of practice.

I was puzzled. So what now? Do i have to match his aloof decision of finally wanting to have a glance at this practice?

Very bluntly, i told my student that if her husband is not willing to even put one hour per day for his health, i'm not willing to put my time for him.

Her expression went crescent, and quickly change the situation by promoting how focus her husband and discipline he is. Finally, i slotted something for him; on a side note that yoga is neither a quick fix nor he should expect this practice works like Panadols.

Many students expect to resolve their 30 odd years of accumulated pains and problems in just 10 sessions of yoga. That's how crudely a student will expect from a teacher. But you know what, during that 10 sessions of yoga practice, is only the beginning for peeping into that small hole of your whole problem.

Whether you can see your own problem itself, is a problem. Many students are not ready to accept what they are facing. So, not till you are able to bring yourself to face your own trash--- we, the teachers will not be able to make you resolve anything.

Frankly, if you want a quick fix, i'll bring you to the pharmacist. But in most case, students are more familiar with the tablets & pills ( even the side effect) more than we do. Realize that those pills are not going to help us better than we help ourselves, please stay focus and patient with the practice.

I'm not as zen as what a yoga teacher should be, or expected to be. Whenever someone tries to entertain me off with " i really want to do the practice, but i can't commit my time ( one hour a week at least)."

Can't help it, inside me would rudely shout out loud, " oh shut up! you don't want to do yoga, stop entertaining me just because a yoga teacher is standing in front of you.
You have time to gossip, watch movie, shopping, cafe hopping... but not time for an hour practice. i rather you be honest with yourself. Enjoy the pain & all the best!".

Yes, that what i will be thinking at the back of my mind. The facial expression they see on me--- a blank look or a slight smile & walk away.

Someone mentioned this:

" If you have nothing nice to say, or not able to appreciate. Just keep quiet and walk away."

Pain is real. Yes it is. I'll take it all.

Yesterday marked my first time injuring myself successfully during the practice. For 6 years, i've always been very careful about not stepping over the line. Finally, it happened.

I was exploring new movements, while battling to secure my right leg behind my neck... i heard a         " piak" ( just like a sound when you tear your pants). I was literally shock and froze in that awkward position for few second. Did i just heard something disgusting? I released my leg super slowly, while retreating myself to lay flat on my mat.

Gingerly, with every little movement, my mind started to scanned through if there's any sharp pain.
No. No pain at all.
Oh great, what now? What happened?  Did i tear some fibers? If i did, i should be crying right now. The droplets on my face were my sweat, not tears.
 Ironically, i still managed to complete my practice as usual, painless.

 But inside my heart i was praying, being hopeful that nothing too serious. I blamed myself for being so impatient and lack of awareness. Only couple of hours when i got home, i felt the swell birthing. Which then i managed to locate the exact piece of muscle : Anterior Tibialis.
Oh anterior tibialis, i don't think i'll ever forget about you again. Thanks for the attention!

I limped around the house, with an ice pack dangled around my knee;  felt really lousy.
While i was always thankful for my flexible- inclined body, i took it for granted and pushed it off the limit.

Doubtful, worried and scared, all are coming. My fear of getting injured had finally arrived.
Ok, what had happened.. had happened. Time to take responsible for it, and learn my lesson well!

While i've always heard and read about injuries by ashtanga teachers, it can come down to a long list. If you have seen the chart of just the Primary Series, you'll understand.
Which reminded me of how James nonchalantly told me its alright with the strained after the class. He probably been through much more. 

Sri K Pattabhi Jois once said, " Pain is real". Yes it is.

It reminded me that my body is made of flesh and blood. Tangibly, it will deteriorate as i age. That it is exposed to risk for the things i do and the environment I'm living in.

Pain makes me real, that i should never a second to spend living in my mind or imagination of a perfectly fine and healthy body.
This is what your real body has to offer you, take it.

While we assume everything has to be perfectly high up, something will pull us down. Nothing stays constantly up or constantly down. Just like the series in the Ashtanga method, some pose are easy breezy to handle, which one or two of them are a hard nut to crack.

It moves, and the process of the whole practice teaches us how to manage it.

All is well. It has to be:)

What is the biggest addiction?

Its close to midnight, and before i packed up for a short getaway; i want to pen down this post for a recent conference i was watching on a video by Shivani Kumari. 


I posted a question on my Facebook status 12 hours ago " What is the biggest addiction?" just curious about the responses i might receive.  Some said " chocolate", " shopping", " air", " stalking Facebook postings"...

Among all those varieties displays of addiction--- in my personal view, the biggest addiction is "addiction" itself. Whatever we are addicted to, doesn't matter. It can be drugs, smoking, desserts, food, games... some are even addicted to anger or being in depression.

Any form of addiction that we have, can control us like a puppet.

In the video i was watching by Shivani, interestingly pointed out that the biggest addiction  today--- is using people's lies to feel good about ourselves. Many times we tend to rely on people's opinions to decide how we should feel.

As praises can be as venomous as criticism--- we tend to get affected by either one of them, isn't it?

Say, if someone said i've a beautiful haircut--- my level of " feeling good" shoot up rocket sky. 
If another person said my haircut is really bad--- my level of " feeling good" from that high, thumped straight down to the ground. 
So, now i'm confused how i should feel, happy or not happy? And i go around as for more opinions.

When does public opinions becomes so important to us?
When we don't know ourselves well enough.

When we don't know ourselves deep enough, we lost ground.
We get shaken by others easily. We copy what other people are doing, we lost our originality of being who we are.

Addiction is not a bad thing, or horrible--- if we know how to pull and release them within our grip. We become slaves to addictions---- if we lost grounding and being led by it.

For instance, i remembered a short discussion with a friend earlier back on an addiction for acceptance socially.

Personally, i never agree to the response as " politically correct answer". Which a friend was telling me that we have to sometimes... or most of the time to response in " politically correct answer"--- in another meaning to me is to be a copy cat, even if you disagree deep down inside. 

Honestly, its either i appreciate with sweet words, or i'll speak my silence with a sweet smile.

The bigger questions in life?

Have you ever have some fleeting moments when you start asking the bigger question in regards to life? I reckon i started asking myself some of the bigger questions when i started to enjoy free time.

When i say free time, its really free.

Chances when i could sit in a cafe, staring blank at the people rushing up and down the street; when everything through my eyes started to slow down to a pause. During this halt, the bigger questions in life started to interest me. Sometimes, i could even sit for an hour, of doing nothing.

When i say bigger questions, i refer to those questions that answers are not found in books, and the level of understanding of the answers vary at different stage of my life, through different mouths.

Why is it essential to take out some time from busy routine for these questions?
At least to me, these questions increases the value of life itself; that makes me appreciate the whole idea of mine and the others'  existence. Discovering the value of each life force beyond price tags.

We do know that not everybody is ready or aware of these bigger questions. Its all about timing, the time when we are open to schedule in free time of " just doing nothing", the questions will flow in naturally. 

Are you.... a control freak?

This morning practice with James was quite a humorous one--- i couldn't stop laughing with the rest while we still try to keep our practice going.

There was this lady, who was trying to jump up to a handstand; ideally followed by fall over to a backbend. 

After her many many tries, she still couldn't make herself fall over to the other side. Sulking, she asked James why she couldn't tip over to other side. 

James said, " Just bring your feet to the other side, just fall over. You're controlling to get the balance too much. "

"Shouldn't  falling be much easier than to control. You have way too good control ?!" 

While i heard the other lady said jokingly, " Maybe she's a control freak..?"

James responded as he was pointing to himself,  " I... I don't think there is just one person in this room is a control freaks.!" 

" We all just like to control, as much as we can, aren't we?"

It was an interesting point which i never realized. Because of our fear of falling, the anxiety about the unknown result, we tend to use all our might to control the situation ( by control ourselves and other's too).... to hold on to the zone of expectation. 

I totally understand her situation of not able to tip over to a fall. It all just very mental. 

For so many times when i tried to jump and fall back, always... always when i reached to a point of total balance, i would not want to explore the falling down zone.

Till one day, i got so frustrated with me being such as coward cat, and talked to my brain before i went for my next try " what's the big deal, just fall and roll all over... whatever!" 

The time when i decided to stop playing the role of a control freak, i let go of the rein, and fell l over...

I did fall with a loud "thump!"... but not as tragic as i had always imagine. 

Many times, we find ourselves wanting to take control of our or even others' life too much. And this is taking a huge toll of ourselves--- chunking out pieces and pieces of peace each time.

Be brave enough to loosen the grip, and feel the lightness of everything.

Let it happen, let it be. The way it is. 

"What is will always be.
What is not, never was and never will be."

~ Bhagavad Geeta

Should we practice Ashtanga when we're unwell? I did.

Should we practice if we feel unwell?
Hmmm... by right, we should stay in bed and take rest. But i went to the opposite.

I was having a bad cold for two nights, and finally a slight fever last night. While i did manage to get some hours of peaceful rest, until my nasal was totally blocked & felt the body heat increases--- i woke up at 5am.

Still considering whether if i should pack up for practice, which i did make it to the studio in the end ( since i could not get back to rest). I spend almost 30 minutes in the bathroom on Jala & Sutra Neti to clear the horrible blockage. Thumbs up! It works!

Though some teachers advised to avoid ashtanga practice during fever time, due that the practice is heating; i'm glad i actually did it. I guessed i'd poured out a pool of sweat more than usual---- but the heavy perspiration did help to relieve the heaviness in my head and released the heat from my body.

To prevent myself from dehydration & building up of the heat---- i gulped down watermelon & coconut water immediately; and followed by a cold morning shower to bring down my body temperature.

So, did i feel better? Gladly i did:)

Teacher, don't be lazy leh!

Today, before the start of practice, we were having a quick discussion on my plan to stop the class for the year. When i mentioned that i may take an early break, no necessarily going for a long vacation this year; but just taking a breather for myself--- i thought the they will be happy about the early break. ( you know, like schools student yearn for holiday)

I was surprisingly wrong when someone voiced out, " Teacher, don't be lazy leh, you got to continue teaching the class.!" 

I laughed. What?! Did i just hear that? 

This group of iron ladies came together randomly with varieties:

Frozen shoulders... knees issues... muscles growth imbalance...scoliosis... super stiff spine..

One thing that i never heard from them was: a word of discouragement. They just keep trying, giving time and space for themselves and their body to change.

Good things are happening, i can see that as touch and adjust each of them. 

It did take a long time ( not 1 or 2... at least 3 years) for the body to response to the practice, slowly but surely.  

It was a great thing that i did learn from them for not disabling themselves from the practice. 

Ironically, while many students takes the role of receiving, and the teacher takes the role of giving---- think again, as a teacher in a practice room--- i am a student in front of so many teachers.

Every body, is a case study for me. Are opportunities for me to learn more, to increase my knowledge-- that i may not get it that personally from books. So, who's the teacher now?

They are all working people, with work and family. At least, the minimum of once a week commitment is all we can give ourselves. Its good enough!

It take just 4% of our time daily for an hour of practice, doesn't sound too much of an investment isn't it?

 Someone told me the need to get themselves more flexible first before they are ready to attend yoga practice... ... ... ( not knowing what to say). How do we learn how to walk? By walking itself!

Just by being soft, is strong.

Today is a moon day, and in the Ashtanga Yoga tradition, we take a day rest off from the regular practice. Its not a strict rule, just a guideline--- i mean, nothing really bad is going to befall if a full practice is done on moon days.

So, instead of slumping in my bed the whole morning, hoping the tightness & soreness will melt away by itself; i decided to dedicate today's practice just to stretch, nothing else.
Given the strong practice of Ashtanga Vinyasa method, i felt my body has been going through war zone these couple of weeks.

Top- up with a hectic schedule, i do felt the tension creeping into my--- which sometimes i mistook it as gaining strength. The difference between strength & tensed up is TIRED. 

In some way or another, all of us has forgotten the feeling of being soft. 

Taking 75minutes of my time, I got into a couple of very simple stretches, and it got deeper by holding each pose for at least 5 minutes.

And during that period, i enjoyed how the muscle fibers being elongated and then loosen; creating spaces in betweens. Just like how a lump of dough is being rolled, pulled and finally strung into noodle stripes.

The feeling of being soft is wonderful--- its not a sign of weak. Softness allows us to enter an area to be in touch with the core strength & tap into the potential of ourselves.

Just like liquid water can quench our thirst smoothly but not solid ice cubes--- and the difference is MELTING INO SOFTNESS.

Not forgetting to wrapped up the practice with a beautiful Butterfly hip- opening --- which serves a purpose of release any well- hidden anxieties & emotions;

Fish chest- opening--- that well served the idea of expanding the chest area, opening the heart center, readily receive the uplifting energy that the universal has to offer our life.

And of course, take some rest for the all time favorite: Savasana

When your practice doesn't "work" for you. Ditch that Blue- print!

A the back of my mind, always reminding myself that we have to keep an open mind when entering into daily practice. Accepting the condition of the body for that particular practice.

 But I do caught myself a few times recently, feeling ridiculed by the tightness that are appearing at the spots that weren’t before! Whenever I reached to a deep- twisted pose (Mariachi D), I couldn’t close one eye about starting to struggles to get hold of the position. 

Then, it came the deep- flexion movement of the spine (Supta kumasana); gotten all amused by the stiffness along my spine.

Those two poses, which I had been spending most effort, time & patience with for the past couple of years; the moment when I felt most independent and comfortable handling them, it seems that I’m losing it soon.  

My gosh!

What is happening to me? Was it because I’ve tire myself out too much… or was it the heavy dive tank I was carrying previously… or was it my sleeping position was bad?

We often step on the yoga mat bringing a blue print along with us; an expectation drawn in our head, for our body to accomplish. Just like giving a child a piece of homework, and wanting them to bingo the correct answer--- else… it’s negative.

I wasn’t frustrated at all, just that it will keep my wondering the whole while, finding that missing piece of reason that could comprehend my questions.

Today after practice, I went up to James about my concerns.

He asked, “ So, what are the additional poses you have been doing these couple of months?  When did you start doing deep- back bends (referring to kapotanasana), and all those strength work?

Whenever there are changes being introduced into our practice, the body changes, and so does everything you’ve been doing before will get affected too. Nothing’s wrong.”

Now I understood. All along I’d been misunderstood that our practice moves only forward, it can be slow like a snail… but it has to move forward. Taking from another perception, it’s more like a wave effect. Whatever we are doing in the present, it does cause an effect on both the past & future.

Like the waves, it pushes up to the shore; withdraw back to the sea, and pushes forward again & again. Re- visiting yet moving ahead.

 In the practice of Ashtanga, we re- visit the same sequence, the same pose again & again--- however, every entry is a whole new experience. Today we may fly through the whole practice; tomorrow we may be dragging hoping to survive.

I used to compare my own practice taking as reference to my previous ones. But come to think about it, don’t even do anything comparison--- not with others not even to yourself.  Comparison creates an expectation, it makes the practice becomes a rehearsed performance.

Dropping all that, I started to see the bigger picture and inviting more flexibility in the mind. 

There aren’t any correct or incorrect answers; there are only connections between cause & effect.  

Once we learn how to see them, we understand.